Resolutions

I resolve to...

...get back on the elliptical machine, show hubby every day how in love with him I am, be the fun aunt, finish my portfolio, pay off my Macy's card, cook more, buy a new (to us) car, call my dad at least once a week, do something selfless as often as possible, be less controlling about hubby's irritating spending habits, treat myself to something nice at least once a month without guilt, go to church more, and try to focus more on what I have.

What about you?

Happy New Year, be safe

Maybe baby

We got our appointment with the specialist moved up to today. I went in really nervous that he was going to tell us nothing was going to work except ivf which we can't afford but instead he's decided to do a super aggressive IUI cycle. He wants us to find a new donor, he doesn't like the inconsistent numbers we were getting from the guy we were using and he wants to take me off all pills and just do shots, but a lot of them. In previous cycles I'd do Femara days 3-7 with gonal f 75 iu on 7 9 and 11. Now he wants me to come in on cd3 for a baseline ultrasound and do shots of gonal f 150 iu every day till they tell me to stop. He thinks the Femara was screwing up my estrogen levels and says this is the compromise since ivf is out of reach for us. Luckily we still have a little of the donated meds left. He gave us another cartridge which should be enough for one more cycle so we just have to pay for the extra monitoring. Before an iui cycle cost about $1k not including sperm, now we're looking at about $1,750 so it will be a stretch but hopefully we'll just need the one.
I'm off to look for a new donor, hope you all are doing well.

Merry Christmas!

Happy Holidays

I know I've been away for a while.  DH and I needed some time to just exist and not think about getting pregnant.  We are no closer to deciding what we're going to do but we have decided we're not going to close any doors just yet.  I've started looking for jobs in states with infertility coverage and have reached out to mutual friends who've adopted to see how that process works.  One way or another we'll figure it out.
We have an appointment to review all the tests we did last month in January.  I'm going to call and see about getting the appointment moved up but in the mean time I'm just going to enjoy the holiday season.  We hosted Thanksgiving this year and have already decorated our tree, written our Christmas cards and stocked up on rum and egg nog.
I'll be back with news on how our appointment went soon.  In the mean time, I hope everyone is enjoying their holiday season.

I'm not average

Pet peeve: when doctors (or their nurses) try to force you into the little box of what's 'average'. Hint - if I were average I wouldn't need a fertility specialist. I have to remind myself that I need these people and the temporary satisfaction I would have felt by putting that nurse in her place would have cost me more in the long run.

...But damn it would have felt good...

New RE, new plan

The RE we've been working with left the practice so we have a new doctor. We finally met with him and were comforted by his easy going demeanor and seemingly genuine desire to find a different, better plan for us. He had already reviewed our records and is suggesting we find a new donor but thinks that ultimately we will need ivf to get pregnant. He thinks I have an egg quality issue, he's also concerned about the low estrogen levels and wants to run some tests next cycle. So, our plan is to get the testing done and depending on what we find out we will either try iui with a different donor or figure out a way to make ivf happen. Making it happen will probably mean moving but neither one of us are tied to here. If one of us can find a good job in Illinois, we could be closer to my family and be in a state with infertility coverage legislation.
In the mean time I guess we just tread water.

Well that was liberating

For the record, I pretty much held it together while writing the last post... Until the end....admitting that this isn't and may never work to anyone, much less myself was extraordinarily painful, it brought on an ugly cry. But sooner or later you have to stop crying. Once you do, your heart heals over a little and protects you from the pain. One long talk with my husband later and we have a plan. Our plan is to meet with our doctor and talk about timing and estrogen levels and the benefit of back-to-back insems instead of the single insemination we've been doing. We need a different approach.
Ultimately we decided that we are going to find a way to make this happen, even if that means relocating to a state that has mandated fertility coverage, if that's what it takes, sign me up.
For those of you that reached out after last posts meltdown I appreciate it, your support, especially those of you who have some experience with has kept me sane (well, somewhat)

Not Pregnant - Again

I don't know why but my body is failing me at the one thing I want more than anything. I'm supposed to be focusing right now, I'm taking an 8 hour test tomorrow but instead I'm laying in bed with the flu feeling sorry for myself. I feel like a complete failure and like I have completely disappointed my poor husband who, bless him, has tolerated the baby crazies pretty well for the 3 years we've been on this path. I know he's tired and I know he'd be disappointed but ok if we stopped trying. He wants a baby but doesn't have the same drive as me, it's like he wants this but I need it, that's the best way I can explain it. But because he knows how I feel he's ok with continuing to dose me with hormones (which makes me a real treat btw), go in and out of doctors offices and spend every dime on making this happen. I love him for that and I'm so ashamed of my body for letting that wonderful man down again, he deserves better than this.
Both of us have buried children. I lost my premature infant son in '97, he lost his 18 yo son while serving our country two years ago. We are both uniquely aware of what a blessing children are. I wish I knew why God chose to make this such a challenge for us. Thinking about that and how some people, especially those who are so ungrateful and unprepared, seem to get pregnant so easily makes me bitter. I try not to dwell on it but, come on, you've all seen them, babies having babies, women who leave their kids in the car while they go in the mall to shop, people who can barely keep a roof over their head much less afford diapers. These are the thoughts that fester. I try not to let myself go there, especially since it only ends with more frustration but today, thats the place I'm trying to crawl out of. I want to walk thru life with the calm dignity that comes from knowing that it's going to happen but I can't get there right now, right now I'm angry, hurt, disappointed, and consumed by this nagging panic that maybe, just maybe, this is never going to happen. There i said it.

Hmmmm

Because 'things going right' and 'trying to get pregnant' don't seem to go together in my life I had yet another WTF moment this time. We went in for the IUI only to be told our donors counts were super low, almost as bad as that awful vial from Manhattan Cryobank. They told me the count was 9.8 million with a 33% motility. This is the same donor that had given us 80 million with 60% motility in the past. I was ready to start crying right there.
I called Midwest yesterday and explained the situation - they were as shocked as I was. They agreed to get ahold of my RE's office and figure it out. Unlike manhattan cryo I didnt have to keep calling and wait three weeks only to be told they weren't going to honor their guarantee because they had some made up clause they never told me about and wasn't on their website. They think (and I hope) that sperm takes a few minutes to 'perk up' after being thawed and that by the time we did the IUI the counts were actually quite a bit higher, around 20 million. We decided to see how the cycle plays out and figure it out from there.
So, we're back in a confusing holding pattern and praying for the best. In the mean time my exam is a week from Friday and I'm far from prepared so I'm just going to focus on that for now.

Last IUI of 2011

We're back at it again.  We are scheduled for an IUI tomorrow morning.  We were a little rusty and if you could see the bruises I have you'd be shocked.  I have two 2" bruises on my belly that are so purple they are nearly black.  It's pretty gnarly but it doesn't hurt so I just look at them as battle scars.  My RE moved so we got switched to a different doctor within the practice, I haven't met him yet but his protocol is a little different and I'm trying to roll with it like it's a good thing.  It's easier to do when you realize what we've been doing wasn't working but I have these little panic attacks that he's waiting too long and I'm going to miss my O.  I have short cycles.  My protocol has always been Femara CD 3-7, 75 IU of Gonal F on CD 5, 7 & 9, go in for ultrasound on CD10 and wait for instructions which are always to give myself the Ovidrel shot and come in the next morning for the IUI.  This time everything was the same except instead of coming in for the IUI on CD11, I'm going in tomorrow on CD12.  We'll see.

I don't know what's going to happen - as much as I want to declare 'this is the one' I'm exhausted.  It's heartbreaking to convince myself time and time again that we're finally pregnant only to see that damn single line on the HPT.  I'm turning it over to God.  I'm not sure why he's chosen this challenge for us but I'd determined to face it with a little more grace then I've been offering in the past.

We had set aside the limit of what we could put into a cafeteria (tax free) plan at the beginning of the year.  At the start of this cycle there was $200 left in that account and we've payed the rest of it out of pocket.  This ended up being quite a lot because our insurance didn't cover a couple of things they told us they would so we started out the cycle with a balance due.  Luckily, we've been focusing on getting our savings account in good shape again and we were prepared for this but given that the holidays are coming up we made the decision as a couple that if this isn't our cycle we're going to start fresh in January.  A year ago I would have been panicked at this idea.  This time, I'm ok.  I want more than anything to be a mom but making myself crazy isn't helping.  I'm done scouring the internet for IUI success rates, besides, I think I've read it all.

I also have the distraction of my licensing exam in two weeks.  It's not a cheap test and it's only offered twice a year so if I don't pass I'm out a bunch of money and can't take it again for 6 months so I don't have the luxury of spending every waking minute analyzing twinges.

So, here's hoping that this is the one.  The inner strength I've found with prayer and my elliptical machine are definitely lessening the crazy which already makes me feel closer to the goal.

Last AF for a while (I hope!)

We ordered our swim team last week, they are going to ship it out this Wednesday to my doctors office. If my thyroid levels have righted themselves (I got a little off track with my meds after the surgery) we are good to go for this cycle, if not, we'll wait a month. I should find out tomorrow if we are moving ahead with this cycle. This month has a lot going on which is good. That means if we do try I can't sit on my couch analyzing every twinge and begging god for a bfp. The bad side is I have to figure out how to discreetly travel with some coworkers and my fertility shots. I've already googled it and I can take them no problem but I have to take them out and let the tsp agents inspect them.
It's been a while since we've done this, I'm hoping that my months away have gotten me out of the baby crazy space I was in and that the last 6 weeks on my elliptical machine has made my body stronger, more ready for this adventure.
In the mean time I'm taking my licensing exam at the end of the month. Studying for it is a welcome distraction, something I should probably get back to now.

Just Breathe

I apologize in advance for any typo's, I'm hopped up on pain pills and not exactly at peak performance today but it's the first time I've felt even remotely human since Tuesday morning. The surgery is over. The worst thing about the actual procedue was the wire localization thing where they insert a little metal wire into your boob into the mass they are removing, that sucked! Theyninsert numbing medicine that burns when it goes in but didn't give me enough so when they started with the needle for the wire I could still feel it. Oh, andnall this is going on while your boob is clamped into the mammogram machine, I cried the whole way thru it. I hope I never have to go thru that again. Either I blocked out the memory of post surgery pain or it was worse this time. I've never had pain so bad it woke me up from a drug induced sleep before. DH works nights so when I woke up I didn't have anyone here to talk me down, it was pretty brutal and all I kept thinking was just breathe, it will pass. It's been twomdays now and I'm still notnwhat I'd describe as comfortable but I can atleast sneeze without crying so that's progress.
On the baby front things are looking up. Our donor will be available again starting next week. My periodmis two or three weeks out, long enough to get the pain meds out of my system, so it looks like we're gonna try again next cycle. It seems like it's been forever so we're both excited.
Sorry this is short but I'm gonna take a nap.

Gettin' Ready

Surgery is schedule for Tuesday.  I feel like I'm stuck in a very unfunny version of Groundhog Day but I've come to terms with it.  I'm tired of crying about it, it's not gonna change anything so instead I'm putting my anger to good use.  I've been using my elliptical machine at least 4 times a week for a month now.  At first I could barely make it 5 minutes but now I'm on there for at least a mile, sometimes much more if I don't crank the resistance up too much.
It feels good to sweat out my frustrations about the surgery, about all of our fertility problems, about my fears for my dad's health, about how my heart aches when I think about the social issues my sweet nephew may face if he doesn't grow out of his tourette's.  I get mad and it pushes me further than my legs think they can take me.  By the time I'm done I've surrendered my anger and hurt and all that's left is accomplishment.  I drag my sweaty self into the shower feeling like my problems are somehow smaller because I'm stronger.  It's as if my body is ready to get in a boxing ring with the my surgeon/infertility/MS/tourette's & take any and all of them down.

Say What?

Last year I went thru the process of having a lump removed. I found the lump, had a mammogram, had a biopsy where they inserted a marker into the tumor to indicate the tumor had been checked out if we opted against surgery and eventually decided to have the lump removed. After the surgery it was nearly impossible to do a self exam of that breast because the tissue was so dense from the surgery scar tissue. I had just started doing self exams again when I found this new lump. I was devastated. We were just about ready to do another round of TTC when I found this lump. I really dont want to go thru another surgery. It was pretty miserable the last time. The fact that I produced two lumps in two years had DH and I seriously considering removing the whole breast to avoid going thru this again next year.
I went in for my mammogram yesterday. When she was done putting my girls in that vice-like machine that was so obviously designed by a man she asked me to wait while the radiologist reviewed the scans but was pretty sure I was going to need an ultrasound too. After a little while she came back out saying she needed more views and I was going ton have to get tortured by that damn machine again. While talking with her she asked why I was getting this lump checked out again. It turns out that the marker they put in during the biopsy was still there. I don't know what got removed during the surgery but at least a big portion of the lump was never removed. I have an appointment with the surgeon Thursday afternoon (her nurse called within two hours of me leaving the diagnostic center to schedule this appointment). I can't fathom what her explanation to leaving a major portion of a tumor inside me could be but thanks to her screw up I'm going to have to have another surgery, another scar, a more disfigured breast, and another recovery period.
I'm beyond pissed.

Spray Starch Doesn't Kill Cockroaches

DH works nights, this is a series of text messages I sent to him tonight:

#1: fyi - spray starch doesn't kill roaches

#2: there's a roach trapped under a jar behind the toilet in your bathroom

#3: you're flooring probably gonna be a little sticky

#4: you need more spray starch

I have a very patient husband.

Save Second Base

My nephews are baseball crazies - seriously, they're in a tournament every weekend, it completely takes over their lives in the summer.

I sent their mom a picture of the t-shirt a friend got me to wear to my mammogram.

She's not very happy with me because one of the kids saw it and innocently (and naively) commented how cool it was and asked for one.

I'm taking my laughs where I can get them at this point, even if it makes me the bad aunt.

Mammogram in two weeks, baby making on hold till this is sorted out (because we need another roadblock).
Good times....

Boob Drama

The universe is at it again. Last fall we had to take several months off TTC because I found a lump in my breast. I had to go thru the process of seeing my gyno, getting a mammogram (ouch!), getting a biopsy, waiting three days that felt longer than a TWW, learning it wasn't cancer but was 'suspicious', getting referred to a surgeon, getting another mammogram (they should really serve drinks at these places) and ultimately having minor surgery to get it removed.
The process was grueling but I was happy to get it out.
I had had another lump removed from the same breast in my early twenties but I went straight from gyno to surgery, back then they didn't bother with torturing you for a while first. They were also able to cut around my nipple the first time to minimize the scar.
This time they cut on the outside of my right breast leaving a gnarly scar. The other thing is that having tissue removed twice from the same breast has left me noticeably lopsided. My girls are no longer identical twins, they're now fraternal.
I was coming to terms with the scar and lopsidedness and happy to have the whole thing behind me. We are gearing up to start trying again. We've picked a new donor in case our prayers for our original donor don't get answered. I've started the paperwork with the new bank and according to my estimations we should be starting up around the end of the month or the beginning of August.
I found another lump.
It's on the same side as the other two.
The universe is gearing up again and she's pissed.

Shopping Therapy

DH, bless his heart, is not good at picking out gifts.  A couple years into our relationship I had to explain to him that if you could get it at the gas station or Walgreens it probably isn't right for me.  Now we have a process that works well for both of us.  I give him a list of 5 - 10 things (complete with size, color, where to get and usually a picture) and send him on his way.  It works well for both of us.
This year I messed up the system.  I forgot to give him the list.  He'd been mentioning it, I just never got around to figuring out what I wanted.  So instead we went shopping together, which he really doesn't care for because it usually ends up costing him a lot more than when I just give him the list. By the time we left I got this insane pair of Michael Kors braided t-strap pumps, some Puma sneakers and this great DVF oversized tote.  It makes me happy, I love spending the day with my husband and not have to think about any of the stressers in our life.  We just laughed and joked around, ate greasy mall food and made out like teenagers.  It was wonderful.  So wonderful I'm having a few re-entry problems with reality.  Work is crazy right now, so crazy that I really need to go into the office this weekend but that hasn't happened yet & my house needs a little attention too.  I have this theory that, much like preacher's kids usually behave the worst, interior designers have the worst homes.  I think by the time I get home I just don't want to focus on picking furniture or accessories.
I need to get my act together, maybe I'll do that tomorrow because it doesn't look like it's going to happen today.

Iced Coffee and other Great Stuff

I live in the south where summers are ridiculous and seem to go on forever.  The average summer is two months longer than the Midwest summers I was used to growing up.  They are also relentless.  Up north we'd enjoy the random cool day, not here.  They go on forever here and there is no break.  Thru all this I still drink hot coffee.  I like a stout cup of coffee.  Iced coffee waters it down which I hate.  It randomly occurred to me the other day to get some old fashioned ice cube trays and freeze coffee ice cubes.  I'm in love.  Every night I make a pot of coffee and let it cool for a little while. Then I pour some into a tumbler and put it in the fridge so it's cool in the morning.  Whatever's left in the carafe gets poured into the ice cube tray.  In the morning I add cream, a little caramel syrup and some coffee cubes and head out.  I'm in love.  Starbucks ain't got nothin' on me.

Proof that my luck is finally changing, I'm finally getting a raise.

Further proof, I'm getting an ipad.

BFP to come.

The countdown to 37

My birthday's coming up.  I'm going to be 37.  I'm not sure how I feel about this.  37 was my scary age growing up - that was where 'old' kicked in.

I'm a rebel and because of this I treat birthday's like New Year's, only I take the resolutions a bit more seriously.  Maybe it's because I'm usually not in a drunken stupor when I make them, or maybe its because I'm not failing miserably right next to my friends at whatever goals I've set, but with a birthday resolution it's me against the world.  (To truly visualize this you have to have Beyonce's Run The World playing in your head.)

For this year I've been thinking a lot about getting all the chemicals out of my diet.  I'm not sure logistically how to do this yet, I'm still working on the details.  I read an article about the acceptable amount of bleach allowed in the beef that fast-food burgers get made out of and it made me sick.  I also read about a women who at all fresh organic food for two weeks and the physical changes she had (energy level, skin radiance, digestive routine, total lack of headaches, etc) were pretty dramatic.  We have a pretty decent farmers market and I'm not a bad cook, but I can't figure out what to do about the business lunches.  I have a lot of them in my job and I don't know how to work it with this plan.  The other thing is I'm going to have to get DH on board.  He really loves bacon, cheese and pringles (not together, just in general)  I think I can get some organic cheese but I'm not sure about bacon and chips are definitely out, maybe I can get him to try pita bread and hummus?  The last thing I have to figure out is the cost.  Buying grass-fed beef and organic produce is expensive and I don't want to blow our baby-making money on organic food.

I'm off to search the blogiverse for a like-minded trail blazer that's already figured out a lot of these details for me.  Then I'm gonna go looking for a few 'suggestions' to give DH for a birthday present.  Not a bad way to spend and evening.

Picking a Donor

I've been all over the Internet lately trying to decide what bank we are going to use next cycle.  I have some time because I think it's going to be late July before we try again.  I've looked at around 15 banks with prices ranging from $250 to $590 for a single vial of IUI ready sperm.  The other variable is shipping fees, those ranged from $90 to $210.  Some banks even charge a registration fee, which I think is ridiculous.  You want me to pay you to let you sell me something?  I don't think so.
For any of you looking for some comparisons on US sperm banks and how many black donors they have see the following list:

Midwest Sperm Banks $350/vial; $90 shipping - one biracial donor
Pacific Reproduction $565/vial; $210 shipping; $150 registration fee - 2 black donors
Cryos International $250/vial (5-10 mill count); $175 shipping - 1 black donor
New England Cryogenic Center $545/vial; $160 shipping - 3 black donors
Cryolab $260/vial (value donor) $395/vial (standard donor); $170 shipping - no black donors
Cryogam $335/vial; $95 shipping - no black donors
European Sperm Bank $590/vial; $150 shipping - 1 black donor
Xytex $365/vial (select donor) $530/vial (standard donor); $165 shipping - 2 black donors
California Cryobank $585/vial (premium donor); $185 shipping - 8 black donors
The Sperm Bank of California $485/vial; $200 shipping; $100 registration fee - 2 black donors
International Cryogenics $390/vial; $125-$165 shipping - 2 black donors
Genome Resources $420/vial; $145 shipping - 2 black donors
Northwest Cryobank $249/vial; $169 shipping (to my area) - no black donors
Fairfax Cryobank $400/vial (family solutions donor) $555/vial (Fairfax/Fairfax grad donor); $175 shipping - 3 black donors

I've left Manhattan Cryobank off this list because they aren't a viable option to me and I'd advise you stay away from them as well (read old posts).  I hesitated to add Midwest after the mess they created for so many women while closed for reorganization but their counts are incredible and their costs are reasonable so you'll have to decide for yourself.

Also, some banks charge for things like long profiles, photo matching, rush delivery, childhood photos... There were too many variables for me to keep track of but most of them (except the long profiles with medical histories) seemed like a waste of money to me.  Another thing to note is that if there was an option I priced anonymous donors.  DH and I aren't interested in open-ID donors.

I still don't know what bank we are going to choose, but hopefully I've saved some of you some research time.  Of the 26 donors I've found about 8 or 10 of them are in our price range.  There's a couple I'd consider postponing our cycle to save up for too so we have some decisions to make.  My plan is to get basic profiles on my favorites and without telling him the cost let DH pick his top two and decide from there.  We'll see how it goes.

Wanted: Black Sperm Donors

DH and I long ago came to terms with the odd reality that there just aren't that many black men who are sperm donors.  Now, since we refuse to go back to Manhattan Cryobank and our preferred donor has yet to come back to our original bank we are back to square one.  There are maybe 50 active black sperm donors in the US right now.  I just quickly went thru the 12 largest banks, which probably covered 1,000 active donors and found 26 black donors.  There have to be hundreds of women needing sperm from black donors and we are all having to choose from this small pool.  I don't get it. It's frustrating and makes what is already a difficult process even more complicated.  Most of these banks I mentioned above are so over priced they aren't realistic options for us right now.
As for Manhattan Cryobank, I sent them an email asking for copies of all the paperwork and feedback on when I was informed of this 30% variation they allow for.  Several days later I got the paperwork but nothing about the variation.  I don't get it.  We specifically asked what count they guarantee.  That was the perfect opportunity for them to inform us of this policy.  Instead they failed to do this but held our sample to it after the fact.  It is my opinion that had the vial had a lower count they probably would have said they had a policy to allow for 35% variance.  Needless to say, these aren't the kind of people I want to do business with nor are they the kind of people I trust to receive biological materials from.  Since 6 of the donors I referred to above are from this bank we're now down to 20.  I guess it makes our decision easier - silver lining.

The rare great day & other stuff

Yesterday was one of those days where everything just falls into place.  I woke up early enough to eat breakfast and watch more than the weather.  I got to work early with a hot cup of Starbucks that DH stopped for on the way to drop me off.  My morning meetings went well.  I spent the whole afternoon at a job site with some clients who can be a bit picky.  I had purchased a load of accessories for their new offices fully expecting to have to return a solid third of them because they wanted a different option and I didn't have to send a single one back.  I even took over two pieces of art on loan from a local artist thinking they might like one of them and instead they bought them both which will mean a nice little commission for the baby fund.  Exhausted, I got home just before 7 to find that DH had gone to my favorite greasy Chinese restaurant for takeout.  I got to curl up on the couch in front of the enormous new TV and watch the second to last Oprah, thinking the whole time, that audience is have the time of their lives.  I checked the Babycenter community chatboard for Midwest Sperm Bank users to find out they are reopening.  What a great day.

When Midwest closed for 'reorganization' I never thought I'd go back.  The way they handled that was completely inappropriate and, in my opinion, not completely legal.  I thought, no way will I deal with that mess again.  Then I paid 3 times as much for poor quality sperm from Manhattan Cryobank and watched them weasel their way out of honoring their refund/guarantee.  There are so few black sperm donors and a few of the banks out there that have them are priced so high we'd never be able to afford it so unfortunately we have to put up with some mess for a quality sample we can afford.

So far our donor has not come back to Midwest, so, we may not be able to go back but I feel so happy for the women who already had a child from there and wanted the opportunity to have a full-bio sibling.  All along our donor has simply wanted to help people so we're hoping that he'll come back but even if he doesn't I'm not going back to Manhattan Cryobank unless they honor their quality guarantee for the last vial.  I sent an email to them today asking them to send me copies of all the paperwork that they sent to the doctor's office with the vial as well as the form they faxed to the doctor after to fill out about the low counts. I also asked them to show me where, in the paperwork we filled out or on their website, they explain that they only offer a refund/replacement if the count is under 7 million (to allow for 30% variance).  So far, I haven't heard back but I'm not letting this go yet.

I'm praying yesterday was a sign that things are going to start to turn around for us.  We are due for some good.

Manhattan Cryobank

I finally heard back from Manhattan Cryobank and they are not honoring their refund policy.  They are saying that the low count isn't low enough to qualify for the refund.  They are blaming the prep/count methods of my lab for the low numbers saying the vial wasn't really that low.  I told them that my last donor had counts of 65+ million from the same lab they are saying didn't count the sample correctly but they don't care.
Apparently they guarantee 10 million per IUI vial (20 million per ml but each IUI vial is only about 1/2ml).  He went on to explain that there is a 30% variance per count that depends on the lab tech, the drop they select from the sample and their count method and that they really only offer the refund/replacement vial if the counts are below 7 million (to allow for the 30% variance).  Funny, nobody ever bothered to tell us that when we asked specifically what counts they guarantee.
After a lot of back and forth I finally said 'so basically you aren't going to offer any refund/replacement for this vial' and he said no, that it is their opinion that the vial met their guarantee.
I have no idea what we are going to do now.  I feel completely taken advantage of.

A Cleansing Breath

DH and I are taking some time off to recuperate and it's been lovely.  Our lives aren't revolving around my ovulatory cycle.  We haven't once talked about boob tenderness, shots, vaginal ultrasounds or estrogen levels, I forgot what it was like to ignore my body and I'm loving it.  I can tell my body is about to ovulate and for about a minute I got a little panic stricken thinking 'maybe this was the perfect egg for our baby' but pretty quickly realized that's just my biological clock screaming at me.  Luckily, that stupid clock is pretty hard to hear after a good dirty martini.
We bought a TV last weekend which made DH happy.  We are the proud owners of a 46" LED TV.  Every time I walk into the living room I say 'that's a big assed tv'.  DH just laughs and smiles.  Needless to say, he's barely left the couch this week.
We've also been talking about getting a dog.  Because we live in a condo there is a weight limit to what we can get.  I LOVE big dogs.  My dream dog is a Great Dane or Saint Bernard but that's not an option right now.  Instead, I'm thinking about a bulldog.  My only concern is finding one that isn't a drooler.  I couldn't handle that, neither could my wall-to-wall carpet.  We obviously have a lot of love to give and I think a dog may be the perfect addition to our family.
Manhattan Cryobank still hasn't resolved our low count vial.  It's been over two weeks now.  I called to check in on them last Friday (two weeks after the first call) and tried to find out what was going on.  The woman who answered try to tell me what the typical process is for this and didn't respond well when I interrupted her to tell her that was explained to me when I called two weeks ago, I was calling to find out what was going on with my situation.  She seemed put out and told me she'd have to pull my chart and send me an email.  I didn't get that email until Monday and apparently they haven't gotten their form faxed back from my doctor's office yet.  It's so weird to me that the this process has been so aggravating, they were so helpful and went out of their way to make sure I had what I needed when we were setting up the delivery.  I wasn't expecting this to be such a hassle.  I don't know why this surprises me, everything else about this TTC journey has been a hassle.
For now I'm going to enjoy my non-ttc life, relax and take a few cleansing breaths.

Life's Not Fair

As expected this wasn't our month.  The really cruel part is that AF decided to show up as my Mother's Day gift.  Every time I think about it I start to cry so I'm just pushing it out of my mind.  I had so many close friends call or text little notes to me on Sunday to point out that even though my son is in heaven I'm still a mom and to try to have a good day but it was rough.  I wasn't expecting this month to work but there was a little voice in the back of my head that kept saying 'how many times have you heard about the worst possible circumstances being the month that worked for other ladies'.  I tested on 12dpo and got a bfn but told myself to wait it out, and if AF didn't show up by 16dpo I was gonna test again.  Well, Sunday was 15dpo and I was crushed.
A little over a week ago I called Manhattan Cryobank and told them our donor's counts were super low.  I was told they have to send a form to our doctor's office to find out how the sample was prepped and verify everything was done accurately and that they'd be in touch.  I haven't heard from them since.  My parents were in town the end of last week thru Monday so I haven't had a chance to call them back and find out what's taking so long.  I won't have a chance till probably Friday, which will be two weeks from the first call, because I can't exactly make this call from my desk.  It's really irritating that they aren't reaching out to me.  We spent over $500 on that sample plus all the other expenses (almost $750) we had based on a guarantee of 20 million motile sperm.  You would think all that money would get us better customer service.

DH and I had a long talk and it turns out what is stressing him out about this process is the financial aspect of it.  We've put a lot of our needs on hold to pay for this.  We share one car, rent instead of own, put our student loans in forebarence (sp?) and have been putting off some much needed replacements in our house (the TV is going out in the living room, our vacuum cleaner is on it's last leg, my keurig died, etc).  Every extra penny we have goes towards having a baby and we've been living like this for two and a half years.  He's exhausted and wants a little breathing room.  What I misread as him hinting at giving up was really him hinting at taking a month or two off to catch our breath.  So, the compromise is we put $1,000 into savings for non-babymaking expenses, replace a couple appliances, put $1,000 into our student loans and then start up again.  Luckily I've negotiated myself back to my full-time salary at work (we've all had a 20% paycut but I've brought in a lot of work lately) and I've picked up a couple of freelance design jobs on my own lately so it's possible we may just take this cycle, maybe one more off and then be back at it.
The other news is that I told my mom what we're doing.  Up until now nobody in my family except a cousin I'm really close to knew about all this.  DH had requested we keep it quiet until we got pregnant and possibly even thru the first trimester.  My family is a little boundary-challenged and he didn't want all the pressure that comes with them knowing about all this.  Now, years later his bigger concern was them thinking we aren't handling our finances well or he isn't providing for me so he asked me to tell them.  I told my mom and broke down crying when I told her about it.  She was really great.  My mom's a little unpredictable about stuff like this but she handled it like a champ.  All she was worried about was saying the wrong thing because she doesn't know what this is like (oh, and upon finding out we were having procedures done with a specialist she requested we not get pregnant with 6 kids....sure thing mom).
This whole process is so stressful, I feel like the obstacles go out of their way to find us.  It's like we're fighting the universe but we're not giving up.  We want a family and we'll do what it takes to make that happen.

1 in 8,900,000

We're back in the two week wait.  I'm not too confident about this cycle because our donor's counts were super low, 8.9 million (our last donor was had 60+ million, a lot of fresh counts are 100+ million).  This, combined with the low estrogen has this little voice in my head that says (don't get too excited, there's a lot going against you).  I know it only takes one but I don't need the hope crushing that comes with getting all excited and getting another bfn.
Manhattan Cryobank guarantees a count of 20 million so I'm going to call on Monday and find out what the process is for getting a refund.  If this cycle doesn't work I'm out a lot more than the cost of the vial/shipping but something tells me they aren't going to refund that. (I've also spent $250 on an ultrasound, $70 on bloodwork, $195 on the IUI and $203on the sperm prep on this cycle, but who's counting)
I think getting a new vial from the sperm bank may be enough reason for hubby to give this one more shot but it all depends on what they tell me when I call.  The nurse that did our IUI said they get counts like this all the time from sperm banks and that it absolutely can end in a bfp  so it's not like I've given up all together I'm just going to use all this as an excuse to not obsess about it for the next two weeks.
My parents will be here the weekend we find out if it worked so if it didn't that will be a good distration, in the mean time I've got one salad and one pie ready for my nieces easter feast tomorrow, got one pie left to go but every grocery store in the city seems to be out of key lime juice.

Enjoy the Possibility

Here we go again, had an ultrasound this morning, have two follicles on the right, none on the left.  Both follicles are in the low 20's which is great.  They called back early this afternoon to tell me that estrogen was at 160 (everything that I read says it should be at 400 with two follicles) I asked the nurse and she really didn't seem all that concerned about it so I'm just going to let it go.
So, tomorrow we go back for what will probably be our last IUI.  DH is really tired of this process and not happy with who I am when doped up on fertility meds and stressed out.  I'm trying not to think about what that means if this doesn't work but that's where we are.
So, for now I'm just going to try to keep myself busy, I know I say this every time but I really would like to not be crazy obsessive this time.  I'd like to just enjoy the possibility.
One last two week wait starting tomorrow, we'll see how it goes....

Will clean for karma

I have quite a bit of vacation time that is supposed to expire on the anniversary of my hire date at work in a couple months.  It's not practical for me to simply take two weeks off so the compromise is I am taking every Friday off for a while and they are rolling the remainder into next year.  Having an extra day off to obsess over all things baby isn't really in my best interest but neither is losing my vacation time.  So, I'm trying to fill that extra day with productive activities that will take my mind off this process.  This Friday I had a bunch of errands to run and planned to meet a friend for lunch.  Well, my errands were done by 11 and lunch was done before 2.  I got home and decided that sitting in front of this computer searching the internet for 3rd IUI success rates was not an efficient use of my time (plus I think I've read everything out there already).  Instead I decided to clean, I started in my bathroom and by the time I stopped I had cleaned/mopped/swept/vacuumed the entire house (except DH's restroom - I draw the line on scrubbing toilets I don't use).  I even did 5 loads of laundry and cleaned out the fridge.
Getting all that done is making the rest of the weekend drag on a bit.  DH and I got up early yesterday and went to the first farmers market of the season, got a couple groceries and I sent him out to play with his friends while I caught up on the happenings in Port Charles (thank God ABC didn't cancel General Hospital too!) I made a big fancy dinner and got rewarded by DH with a trip to the new frozen yogurt place for dessert.
So now it's not even noon on Sunday and I just got done reorganizing DH's closet (by type and color or course) and I'm trying to figure out if a Costco run is necessary or just me trying to fill time.
I did find out yesterday that I won't have any trouble filling my time the entire month of June.  I've been selected for federal jury duty so I have to call every night after 5 to see if I have to be there the next day.  How the heck am I supposed to keep work appointments with this hanging over my head?  Why couldn't this have happened while we were TTC, at least then I'd be distracted.  We'll already be pregnant in June (I'm staying positive) and will no longer need this distraction.

Law of Averages

The law of averages says that if you swing at enough balls, sooner or later you'll hit one.  Let's hope the same can be said for baby making because DH is nearing the end of his rope.  The last couple of weeks have almost been 'normal' for us.  We didn't get to insem this cycle because of the estrogen problem and it looked like I ovulated early so things have been pretty drama free in our house.
I am not someone my friends would describe as laid-back.  I'm high strung and a worrier by nature.  Just imagine what a treat I am when hopped up on baby making hormones.  (After going thru all this I'm pretty sure DH will never leave me.)  When the hormones start raging I can see myself bring the crazy, I just can't stop it.  The closer we get to next cycle the more DH starts talking about putting project baby on indefinite hold if this cycle doesn't get us a bfp.  I know he's frustrated, I'm frustrated too but as hard as it is for me I have the love and support of a man that isn't a hot mess of hormones.  He gets the short end of the stick every cycle.
I can't let myself think about giving up on becoming a mother.  Every time I try to get my head and heart ready for that idea it ends in tears.  I don't really respond when he makes these comments, I know he's trying to gently prepare me for the idea but I just can't deal with it.  I have to go into every cycle knowing that this is going to be the one that works, I have to be positive.  I know it's selfish and probably harder on our marriage than it should be but I just have to hope that we'll get our baby this next cycle and all this worry will be for nothing.  After all, that law of averages has us due for a win soon, right?

Tick Tock

I don't think I've ever been so excited to get my period before.  Seriously, only a TTC woman looks forward to AF.  If my mood today is any indication, she's coming.  I've been struggling for a while with some of the choices the powers that be at the architecture firm I work at have made.  The economy has made it pretty rough for a lot of architecture firms but I'm feeling pretty taken advantage of.  Today, I had to stand up for myself to one of the owners which usually isn't a problem for me but I got so worked up I had to walk away or I was gonna burst into tears right in front of this guy.    If I didn't need the insurance I'd be gone.
In the meantime DH has dropped a few subtle hints that he may want to put this baby project on indefinite hold if this cycle doesn't work (no pressure, right?) & a cousin who I'm very close to just got pregnant so I feel like my biological clock is in overdrive.
I'm really trying to get into a Zen space about this cycle but so far I'm failing miserably.

Two Jack Asses Make a Fox

I'm instantly addicted to Bravo's new reality series Pregnant in Heels.  It was supposed to premiere tonight but for some strange reason it aired last night when Bethenney Ever After (guilty pleasure) was scheduled to be on.  The show is about this woman, Rosie, who is a 'Maternity Concierge'.  She caters to the needs of neurotic moms to be in Manhattan.  Ironically she's struggling with infertility herself.
I figured out pretty quickly the moms are gonna be annoying in this egotistical, narcissistic, self important kind of way. (Example, one couple on the first episode needed a focus group and a dinner party to select their baby's name and ultimately selected the name that both groups panned)
The family that really over did it were the other couple in this episode.  This woman is 36 weeks pregnant and their nursery still has a guest bed in it and the crib is in a box in the corner.  Nothing is ready, nothing has been bought.  Rosie asked this woman straight out if she had bonded with her baby yet and without hesitation she reply's "no".  WTF?  I was ready to reach thru the tv and smack her.  To top it all off they name this poor child Fox.  Unfortunately, this is just the first in a series of massive disappointments for young Fox.
Some people shouldn't breed.

Filling Time

When you spend your time taking meds, going to appointments, scouring sperm banks for possible donors, taking you temperature, reducing your caffeine intake, searching the internet for ladies on the same schedule and/or med protocol as you, and over analyzing every little 'twinge' you feel for the two week wait it kinda fills your day.  Forget being a model employee, you're lucky to get thru infertility treatments with a job.  I work in a creative field and I'm barely meeting deadlines much less producing anything inspired.  So, when circumstances make you take a break, even for a couple weeks you suddenly find yourself with a lot of time on your hands.  Stress makes me clean and infertility treatments made us poor so filling my day with an already clean house and not a lot of spending money has been interesting.
I now have the most highly organized closet on the block.  When I wasn't spending all our money on infertility I was spending it on clothes, shoes and purses.  All these things are now organized in a way deserving of them and I'm proud.  Shoes, stored neatly in their boxes sorted by knee high boots, booties, closed toed heels, sandals, open toed heels and flats.  Shirts sorted by both color and sleeve length, pants by color, capris by color, skirts by color and dresses by, you guessed it, color.  Sweaters are neatly folded and sorted on the shelf above the hanging shirts.  Purses organized by style and color on the shelf above the pants.  Bookends help keep the slouchier bags standing.  For the big hobo style bags I purchased hooks that DH swears he's going to attach to the wall sometime today for them to hang from.
Who knew organizing the clothes that stress eating and fertility drugs made too small could bring me so much joy.

Better Luck Next Time

Well I talked/rationalized/googled/chatted myself into utter indecision last night.  As we were pulling into the doctor's office this morning I said to DH - I just want a clear sign of what the right thing to do it.  This, apparently, is the one request God decided to listen to. The ultrasound showed the 25mm follicle I had the other that that they think is a cyst is still there and hadn't grown.  The other two they measured on Sunday have either shrunk or I already ovulated them.  IUI cancelled.  I started crying right on the ultrasound table.  The poor tech kept apoligizing.  She finally got my doctor's nurse to come discuss options.  She called my doctor and they agreed that it would be best to start over next cycle.
This time they want to do a baseline ultrasound on CD3, that's gonna be delightful.  They want to make sure this cyst has resolved itself before starting another round of meds.  I also want them to consider going to straight injectibles since Femara may have caused the estrogen problem.  I'll have to wait until my doctor is in the office and has a chance to review my chart to see if they'll do that.
I am beginning to feel completely defeated.  I guess today is the day I get to feel sorry for myself and then I'm moving on.

Who knows...

Yesterday we went from the high of 3 great looking follies to the disappointment of bad blood work.  This morning we went in to repeat the blood work.  I spent all kinds of time yesterday scouring the internet and all I learned is you can find something on the internet that supports any crazy assed thought/dream/hope you want.  Basically it comes down to this.  Femara, which I took from CD 3-7, is an estrogen suppressant.  There is some stuff on the internet about Femara masking estrogen and the blood work not being an accurate representation of what's going on. The second thing that gives me hope is my lining thickness, it's at 8.7 (that's good).  The lining  develops from estrogen, no estrogen = thin lining. Last night I decided that if my estrogen went up today, we'd go ahead with the IUI.
We went in at 7:30 this morning for blood work and the nurse didn't call until 1:15 - I was FREAKING OUT! She tells me it went up, yesterday it was 126, today it's 162.  She's confident there is one good follicle in there.  I explained to her that the two she thinks are cysts based on their last ultrasound is actually and ultrasound from two cycles ago.  I went on to explain to her that the ones she says are the same size as back then can't be possible (this month the two she's referring to are on the same side, this cycle they are on different sides).  So now she thinks one of the 20+ size ones is the active one, which is good.
So basically we can do the IUI tomorrow or wait till next cycle, it's up to us.  They have one follicle IUI's all the time that result in pregnancies but she gets how much we are spending on this and would understand if we wanted to wait for better results.  Damn I wish they'd just tell us what to do...
After talking to her and questioning her for a while we decided to go in tomorrow morning for another ultrasound and see if any other them have grown since Sunday and decide from there if we are going to go ahead with the IUI.  I went ahead and gave myself the trigger shot in case we decide to do the IUI.  So, if we bail on this cycle we are out $250 for the first ultrasound, $140 for two rounds of blood work, $150 for the second ultrasound and $120 for the trigger shot & femara. That's $660.  But, if we move ahead and it doesn't work we're out $520 for donor sperm, $278 for the cryolab and $200 for the IUI.  That's an additional $998.
So, I guess we'll see how things look tomorrow and decide from there.  We just need to decide ahead of time what will make us want to move ahead and what will make us cancel the cycle so we don't spend 3 hours agonizing over what to do.
I'll let you know tomorrow what we decide to do.

This roller coaster ain't for sissies

DH and I were excited to go in for an ultrasound today.  We got up and joined a small army of women who were also spending their Sunday morning at the RE's office instead of church.  We found out there are 3 measurable follicles.  Two on the left at 22 & 25 and one on the left at 17.   The nurse told me she'd call in a few hours with instructions after the blood work came in and she talked with the doctor.
When she called back she told me my estrogen was only 126 (it should be approximately 200 per follicle, mine should have been around 600).  She spoke with a doctor (not mine - she kept saying 'he said' and my doc is a woman) and that he thought two of them were cysts leftover from last time since they were the same size.  He wanted me to do another 75IU of Follistim tonight and come back in tomorrow morning for another blood draw and we'll go from there.  I'm scheduled for an IUI Tuesday morning at 10:30.  I asked if I should bring in the trigger and she said no.  I have concerns that if they don't call by 10:30 Monday with my lab results and instructions the trigger won't have enough time to work and the IUI will be too early but she said it would be fine.
I've been all over the internet today and it seems Femara lowers your estrogen.  This makes sense because it's used as an estrogen suppressant for breast cancer.  I can't expect my estrogen to be at the same level as someone on other meds.  I also remembered that the follies I had at the last ultrasound were on different sides and they are saying they think cyst because two are the same size as last time.  Plus I don't think they realized that I sat out a cycle since my last ultrasound.
So it's critical tomorrow that my estrogen is higher.  The number is 'masked' by Femara but seeing a rise is critical.  In the mean time I'm telling myself that we have a couple healthy follies in there and that this is our month for success.

Things I wish I knew two years ago

Things I wish someone had told me when we started this journey:

Doctors - Reproductive Endocrynologist (RE's)

• You aren't going to end up saving any money going it on your own, if you're using donor sperm save yourself the stress and go right to the doctor.  A good RE will take a lot of the stress of the situation off your shoulders.
• Write down your questions as you think of them, don't depend on remembering them when you get to the doctor's office
• Be nice to the nurses, they are the ones who can fit you in when you need to see someone or get you donated meds which can save you hundreds
• Do your research and trust your gut.  Your RE is a specialist but your opinion has value too.  

Husbands/Partners

• This process is hard on a marriage/partnership  remember your spouse/partner is going thru it too and try to avoid taking your stress out on them
• Don't forget about sex, even if it won't make a baby it can still be fun!

Friends/Family/Co-Workers

• It's never going to be easy to hear about a pregnant friend/family/coworker.  Steel yourself and tell them how happy you are then call someone else who's ttc to vent.  Don't feel guilty about it either, you can still be a friend and have these feelings.
• People say some dumb shit trying to be helpful, just let it go, they really are trying to be nice and don't mean to come off like a fool.  You losing your shit isn't going to help anything.
• The only people who truly understand this process are people who are going thru the same thing.  If you don't have anyone in real life that's going thru it get on the internet, there are all kinds of online communities with women going thru the same thing - you are not the only one going thru this!

Meds

• Call around for pricing on meds.  I recently priced Ovidrel (the trigger shot)  Costco has is for $82 CVS wanted $192.
• Talk to your doctor's office about getting meds women have donated back after successful cycles.  They may be able to hook you up.
• Check out the internet, there's a program that will let you get Femara for $10 a month (it can be a couple hundred if you are paying out of pocket) and another one that will give you 3,000IU (approx. value $3,000) of Gonal F for free

One Poke Down

Today was our first Follistim injection.  DH was so proud of himself.  He went in the bathroom to wash his hands and comes out with his hands up like doctors on tv do when they're getting ready for surgery.  We double and triple checked the dose and he was so careful to go in at a 90 degree angle.  I didn't even feel the needle going in.  He was so gentle and the needle was so small I couldn't feel a thing!  It did burn a little after but I'll gladly take a little discomfort to get our baby.
I think we have our new bank all squared away but it makes me really nervous that I had to send three emails and call in order to get the order set up.  We had this problem at our old bank but you think I'd get better customer service at twice the cost.  I'll be nervous to the guy at my RE's cryolab calls and says our vial is there.  It really needs to ship out tomorrow and get there on Friday because there's a chance they will tell us to trigger on Sunday after our appointment and come in for an IUI Monday morning.  Hopefully they'll send me an email tomorrow with tracking information and I can relax a little.  We'll see....I guess I have to have something to obsessively worry about every cycle.

Round Three

Well here we go, since my body decided to shake things up a bit we're back and are getting ready to try again.  I'm officially on cycle day three today.  I had intended on calling my doctor's office today to tell them about AF's early appearance but they called me before I even had a chance.  It turns out I have to lower the meds I'm on for my hypothyroidism (I originally started on something like 45mcg, I've slowly worked my way up to 150mcg, they are now lowering it to 125 mcg now).  I explained to my RE's nurse that my cycle started unexpectedly and super early and she didn't seem too concerned about it.  She asked some questions about if it's behaving like it normally does but in the end just chalked it up to oddness.

So for now our schedule is this:
5mg Femara starting today (CD3) thru Friday (CD7)
75IU Follistim Wednesday & Friday
Ultrasound and blood work Sunday morning.
They will call Sunday afternoon and tell us what to do from there.

I also emailed our new sperm bank yesterday to confirm all our paperwork was in order and ask them to give me a total, with shipping for one vial of our new donor.  What worries me is I haven't heard back yet, we had this problem with our last bank, taking forever to get back to us, sometimes not responding at all.  I really hope this was just a fluke.

Our RE seems really hopeful about this cycle.  Apparently statistically our odds are greatest at the third IUI and the addition of injectables only made her more confident.  Here's hoping (and praying) she's right!

In the mean time, I'm gonna curl up with the new Marie Claire and try to think about things like fabulous shoes and must have purses instead of med doses and sperm orders.

What the hell?

DH and I have been trying to get pregnant for over two years now.  I've tracked my cycles, recorded my temps, checked my cervical fluid (don't ask), eaten my weight in pineapple, pumped myself full of hormones and done countless other things to help this process along.  I'm even considering buying a CD full of meditation/ visualization techniques for fertility (if you knew me, you'd know that's not my style).  I thought I had this process down, I thought I knew my body.  In response to all this confidence my body has decided to reward me with a curve ball.  This month my body decided to treat me with an 18 day cycle.  Seriously, I've had short cycles before but this borders on ridiculous.  I thought we had another week or two before we got back on the roller coaster.  I was enjoying the break from the madness that comes with ttc.

I'm beginning to think my body did this so I could do more than cheer my virtual ttc family along.  There's a group of us that met online because we were all using the same sperm bank (the one that is currently 'reorganizing').  We've become our own little support system.  We've cheered each other on thru a lot of crap, especially all the drama at the sperm bank.  I would have been certifiable without them during that.  So, most months there were maybe 20 women trying and only 2 or 3 would get the cherished bfp.  Last month almost half my girls got their bfp's.  Because of that we decided to keep the thread going. Since I had to skip a cycle while we waited to meet with our doctor I was excited to cheer my girls along and watch the bfp's roll in.  Since AF has decided to show up super early it looks like I won't be sitting out after all.  If things progress like they usually do I'll probably be having my IUI sometime around the 29th or 30th.

DH, on the other hand, is ecstatic that we're at it again.  We went grocery shopping this morning and strolled past a man pushing twins in a stroller.  I've known this man for a decade and seeing him react to those twins shocked me.  I realized he's actually hoping we'll get pregnant with twins.  I think he's more excited about that than he is about giving me shots (which is saying something because he's pretty excited about the shots).

"Sure I'll Poke You" he says

Hubby and I went to the RE today to meet with the nurse for training on the shots.  They aren't nearly as intimidating as I thought they would be.  She started to give us a rundown of how they work and had to leave the room for something.  While she's gone we're talking about how this may not be as hard as I thought and just as she starts walking in again my dear husband says "I'll poke you as many times as you need, do you want me to poke you in the butt?"  I was MORTIFIED!  Needless to say, the price of my dignity is apparently the $40 it costs to get shot training at my RE's office.
And for my girl Doozie let me share this story for you:  Backstory - I live about 9 hours from my family.  My parents, up until about 3 years ago my parents lived overseas, they retired and moved back to the states.  Supposedly to be closer to my sister and I.  My sister only lives about 2 hours from them.  Since they've been back in the states my parents have come here twice.  I've asked them to visit more and hinted that it's really not fair to always expect us to come to them (they don't know we are ttc but I'm trying to lay the groundwork for when we have a little one)  My mom called yesterday and left me a voicemail saying she's thought about it and really doesn't think it's fair to her horse for her to board her and come down here for a week so they probably won't be coming down here anytime soon.  Seriously?  HER HORSE?

A Step in the Right Direction

We met with our RE again last week and she agreed, injectables is the appropriate next step.  We actually decided to do a combined protocal, Femara & Follistim.  I questioned her quite a bit about how many follicles would cause her to cancel the cycle and she thinks I probably won't produce more than 3 follicles since Femara only gave me 2.  She thinks, since 2 wasn't getting it done that I wouldn't be at any risk for high order multiples unless I had 6 or more follicles.  DH and I have been talking about this a lot and decided that, of course, for health and safety one baby is ideal but if we had to, we'd love twins.  It's the idea of more than that that really freaks us both out.  So, we go back Tuesday morning and DH gets to learn how to give me shots.  He better not enjoy it....

It looks like we'll start next cycle sometime around the 27th.  We'll have to do a couple more ultrasounds to make sure everything is progressing like it should and we still need to pick a new donor (I'm still holding out hope that our bank will reopen and I can talk DH into going back) but things are moving along well for our New Years baby :-)

Karma Swinging My Direction... Finally!

Midway thru last cycle I decided that if it didn't work we were moving on to injectables.  It seemed like an obvious choice for me.  I love my husband and I love our life but I want a family.  If it were up to me we'd be like the Walkers from Brothers and Sisters.  I love big families, I love that they are their own little tribe and that they may fight but don't ever let an outsider say something negative about another member of the tribe.

All of this is a build up to the research I've been doing on the internet.  It seems injectables have a higher rate of multiples than IVF.  The RE can control how many eggs they put back with IVF, they can't control how many I make with injectables.  Every office is different, most factor in your age and that determines how many they will let you develop before they cancel the cycle.  I have no idea how many that is at my doctor's office but all my reading shows me 4 follicles would be ideal.  4 follicles has the best odds of a singleton and minimizes the odds of higher order multiples.  I think twins would be a fun adventure but I also know how risky it can be.  I've had twins born in my family that unfortunately premature only because they were twins and ultimately didn't survive.  I also know how expensive twins can be.  This economy has hit my industry hard.  I'm an interior designer in a commercial architecture firm.  Companies aren't doing a lot of new construction or renovations in this economy and in response to that everyone in my office is working a 4 day week (and took the corresponding 20% paycut).  Having said all that I'd be both delighted and terrified to have twins (the whole head/heart thing).  Anything more than that would be terrifying.  I also don't want to face the 'selective reduction' choice.  That seems like such and awful choice to make.  The whole thing is really up to God and nature but I'd like to give up the best odds of having one, maybe two babies and try to reduce the risk of anything more than that.  Everything I've read says 4 follicles would be the ideal setup for that.

So - why am I doing all this research and obsessing if I have a whole month to figure this out?  Because they found me an earlier appointment - NEXT TUESDAY!!! Woo Hoo! I haven't told DH any of this yet, he's not home yet.  I'm making his favorite meal (goat cheese stuffed chicken with cornmeal casserole and fresh bread).  I figure I'll make him all happy with food, scare him with my multiples research, then get him excited with the new appointment.

Third times the charm???

Well, another failed cycle... I feel like crap, I hate this whole process.  I'm mad at myself for my body not cooperating, I'm mad at my husband for choices he made before he ever met me, I'm just mad.  I know it's not tied to any kind of logic but dammit I'm mad.
I've got a call out to my doctor's office to start another round of meds and schedule our third IUI cycle.  I've asked them to get a little more aggressive with the meds this time since two follicles isn't getting the job done.  I don't want to be octomom but I do want to give us the best chance possible for the this next IUI to be the one that gives us our baby.  I've been reading a lot of about this process and everything I find says 3-4 follicles is ideal for IUI, maybe increase my meds or adding a new one will help make that happen.  I'm also concerned because the counts with our old donor were so high, the new one will be lower so we have that working against us so if I can balance more eggs against less sperm you figure it has to help (fertility logic = not always reality bound)
I guess I'm going to appreciate the one good thing about not being pregnant and go make myself a martini.

edit:  got a call back from my doctor's office - they want me to come in for another consult before moving on to injectibles to make sure I know how to do it and inform me of the risks.  Right now I have an appointment for April 6th but they are going to try to get me in early, we'll see... I'm really bummed about this, I don't want to wait that long!

This better come hand delivered

After a bunch of stress we've decided on moving forward with Manhattan Cryobank.  Keep in mind shipping charges from our old bank were $75.  How on earth can this place justify a $205 shipping fee??? I'm still waiting on confirmation that that includes the handling fee and the tank rental.  If not, I may just lose it.
One vial with shipping was only $70 more than their shipping fee alone.  This is going to be a huge adjustment if we have to try again...  IF $205 includes those other fees it will cost me $520 for one vial.
DH and I have talked about asking our doctor to get a little more aggressive if this cycle doesn't work.  We've produced two follicles both cycles on Femara and if this one is negative too I'd like to get her increase the meds to hopefully produce 3 or 4 follicles.  I don't want to be Octomom but I do want a BFP.  Everything I find on the internet indicates that the counts at this new bank are much lower than Midwest was so if I can produce more eggs maybe it will offset a lower sperm count and we'll finally get pregnant.

Tomorrow puts us one week into the two week wait.  I'm really hoping I make it to next Monday without testing but I don't trust myself and I doubt I'll make it thru the weekend.  I just really never want to see another negative test, they are SO disappointing.  I have been better and trying not to read into every little twinge and try and convince myself it is some kind of pregnancy symptom which has helped.  Plus I don't have the added stress of  all hell breaking loose at the sperm bank like last month, I've been much more relaxed and that has to help.

I'm going to try and take a 7 day nap... wish me luck!

Cleanest house on the block

The tww has made me a world class cleaner.  Dh barely even has time to finish eating before I try to wash his plate.  I've totally broken him of the habit he used to have of putting his socks on the floor next to the bed instead of the laundry basket a few feet away.  To tell you the truth, I think he may be a little afraid of taking his socks off at all... oops.
Needless to say I'm determined to relax and not obsess about all the little twinges and pulls.  If I can make it to next Sunday I'll be 11 dpiui.  I think I'll get thru the week ok because my schedule is really busy but next Saturday is going to be difficult.  I just really never want to see another bfn, it's so sad and disappointing.
Gotta go to the grocery store so I can bake something, I've got nothing left to clean.

2WW, the sequel

Well we are officially back into the two week wait.  We had our IUI this morning and everything seemed to go great.  The vial had over 100 million sperm, 60% motile so we got something like 63 million motile sperm. The nurse commented again about how good our donors numbers were, that some of their 'straight from the tap' counts aren't that good.
Another thing I noticed this time is I think my cervix was more open this cycle.  Last IUI I felt some discomfort when they put the catheter thru my cervix.  This time I didn't feel a thing.  I'm just guessing that this means my cervix was more open, which is a great sign that the timing was dead on.
As for the drama with the sperm bank - I sent that email yesterday and haven't heard back from them yet.  As much as I would love the vial we still have there sent to our doctor's office I doubt that's gonna happen so I just want my money back.  I'm much calmer about it now though because I have a plan.
I'm heading out of town tomorrow for a work trip (just overnight) but I'm excited that it will give me a couple days of distraction for this two week wait. I have no patience at all so anything I can do to distract myself is a good thing.
Think positive thoughts for us, we're really excited about this cycle!!

Mix the good with the bad

Today had a little bit of good and a little bit of bad, it could definitely have been much worse.  We went in for an ultrasound this morning and had two very promising follicles, one on each side.  There was even a third smaller follicle but not likely big enough to contribute. The ultrasound tech had me worried for a little bit that we were risking triplets.  We are so excited and confident about these two great follicles this month.  If our donor has numbers like he did last month we should be in great shape.
The bad is the ongoing frustration with our sperm bank.  I made several attempts to call Joanne today and find out the the heck is going on over there but only ever got her voice mail.  Tonight I wrote her the most ballsy email of my life and basically asked her to tell the owners that unless they had been banned from legally shipping or there is some kind of question about the safety of my vial I expect them to ship and if they don't we'll be pursuing legal action.  I hope this gets resolved soon.
In the mean time we are pursuing other banks and I hope to have a backup plan in place.  The backup plan is contingent on our current sperm bank actually refunding our money and there is some question about whether they are actually going to do that or not.  If they don't we will have to sit out at least one cycle to save enough money.  Both of the other banks we are looking at are significantly more expensive.
This whole process sucks but we are determined to relax this cycle and keep a good attitude that this is the one. Once we have our baby all this drama will be worth it.
We are schedule for our IUI tomorrow at 9am.  I'll log in tomorrow and post our donors counts. For now, I'm going to relax and try to shake off all this drama and stress.

Seriously?

I am done trying to work with this sperm bank.  I've had enough, I can't take it anymore.  During our last two week wait they stressed me out by saying they are going thru a 'reorganization' and weren't going to be able to take any new orders after the end of January.  The manager, Joanne said that we could prepay for vials and they will still ship during the reorganization but wouldn't be taking any new orders.  So, we scrambled and got together the money to prepay for two vials. Last week we found out that our first IUI didn't work.  We called the sperm bank and made arrangements for another vial to be shipped to our doctors office.  They shipped the vial out and it arrived at my doctor's office on Thursday, no problem.  Friday I see a new post on an online community of women who use the same bank that they are no longer shipping.  They have royally screwed some of the women on this board and they're out a cycle because of this sudden change.

I consider myself extremely lucky that I had my vial shipped when I did but I'm also really pissed.  They had to have known this was going to happen.  Why didn't they recommended we ship both vials?  This bank also offers 'fertility preservation' services where they will store sperm long term for people having vasectomy's, cancer treatment, etc.  When we prepaid for these vials we were told it was no different than the people who stored vials for those purposes, that the vials were our property and they were storing them.  How can they refuse to ship them?  It makes no sense financially since they have to refund us now rather than just ship a vial that would otherwise just sit there indefinitely.

I just tried to call and, of course, got their voicemail.  I didn't leave a message but their outgoing message said they are 'winding down certain operations' but they are still offering 'long term specimen storage' What good does it do to store a vial they refuse to ship?  Are they now saying the people that prepaid for their vials don't 'own' them?  I'm seriously considering legal action.  This is profoundly unprofessional and I strongly believe all the stress of their 'reorganization' contributed to our BFN last cycle.

Here we go again

Well, AF showed up this weekend.  I was pretty upset but I let myself feel bad for the weekend then let it go.  The rule in our house has become no looking back.  I called the RE this morning and started another cycle of Femara today.  We go in next Tuesday for an ultrasound and will probably insem on Wednesday.  The timing works well because I have a work trip Thursday afternoon so I was worried I was either going to have to come up with a really good excuse to cancel or skip the month, either way, not good...
So, if this cycle works we will conceive on the week of Valentine's day and be due around 11/11/11, that's got to be some kind of good luck charm, right?

Fertility Pergatory

14 days since our IUI and still nothing.  All tests negative, no period. I usually would have had a period by now so that gives me a little hope but just a little, a pregnancy should show up on a test by now.  This is my first cycle taking Femara so I'm wondering if it is lengthening my cycle.  So, now I'm just waiting for my period to show up so we can move on to try #2.  I don't mean to completely give up hope and I'd love to be able to log on tomorrow and tell you I was wrong but I'm preparing myself.  I had a nice little cry with a girlfriend last night and I'm trying to get myself excited about conceiving on Valentine's day and delivering on 11/11/11 (both of which are possible with the next IUI)

Trying to find Zen

I've spent the last 36 hours compulsively checking my bank account to make sure they charged me for my two prepaid vials.  About 4 this afternoon the charge finally posted.
 This morning I had myself pretty worked up.  On a whim I took my basal body temp (BBT) looking for a clue if we were pregnant or not.  When we first started this process I temped religiously and charted everything on a website that helps you interpret the temps.  I got pretty good at knowing what a good temp dip at ovulation looked like and what my pre and post ovulation temps looked like.  Well, I haven't really taken my temp much in about a year.  It's tedious, you have to temp before you get out of bed and you have to temp at the same time every day, which means you have to get up early on the weekends (or at least wake up enough to stick a digital thermometer in your mouth and then search through the pillows and your hair to find it when you wake up for real)  I temped long enough to get a good handle on my cycle and stopped.... until this morning... My temp was pretty low this morning, which usually means I'm gonna get my period either today or tomorrow.  By mid-morning I had myself convinced that this cycle didn't work and the sperm bank we are using lost my order for prepaid vials and we're gonna have to sit out next cycle too. By early afternoon I lost all perspective.  I was too busy having my own pity party to realize fact that the temp variance is probably because I haven't temped much lately, it's cold outside and DH works nights now so he's not laying next to me keeping me warm anymore. I am only 11dpo and only using cheap internet tests so I'm not admitting defeat yet.  I gave myself a little pep talk and I'm hoping for the best.

Oh - and if you're keeping count, DH has gone to Kroger two more times... I think he's decided surrender is the best way to deal with a crazed hormonal wife.

Another day, another thing to obsess about

We're 10dpo and still nada, took another internet cheapie today and didn't even get the faint line, no matter how hard I squinted at it or what light I held it against it was just the one line.  That meant I had to dig yesterdays test out of the trash and make sure I wasn't imagining the line I saw (I wasn't, and there is a little color to it so I don't think it's evap)  I'm not sure what yesterday's was but I'm just calling it a fluke until i get proof otherwise.

Today's obsession is about our prepaid vials.  I've been stalking my online banking and there hasn't been a charge on my bank account yet for the two vials we paid for on Friday.  I've had no luck getting the sperm bank on the phone but I also haven't been able to try too hard because it isn't exactly a call I can make from my desk.  The little architecture firm I work at would go absolutely nuts with gossip if they overheard that conversation!  I ended up sending Joanne (the lady at the sperm bank I've been working with) an email asking her to confirm and I'll just hope for the best.  I do think some of it may be my bank (the money kind), the groceries we paid for on Saturday and DH's paycheck that was deposited today haven't posted either.

So now I think I'll obsess about random things like how many times I can get DH to go to Kroger to get Sobe Lifewater while they are still $0.50 each (limit 10 per purchase...I've already sent him in there 4 times in two days).  DH is pretty tired of going to the grocery store & my kitchen is starting to look like the beverage aisle at Costco.

Maybe tomorrows test will bring back the faint line and I can go back to obsessing about that.

Keeping the HPT industry in business & torturing myself at the same time

I told myself I wasn't going to start testing until 12dpo (that will be Wednesday). Well... I'm weak willed.  I have this package of cheap test I bought off the internet last time (MUCH cheaper than anything you can get in a store) and tested this morning.  I'm 9dpo today and the odds of getting a positive at that point are pretty slim.
I took a couple tests earlier in the week to make sure the trigger shot was out of my system but today I got the faintest of lines.  I haven't even said anything to DH yet because I know it could have been evap or just a flaw in the cheap test but it's making me hopeful.
I really want to go out and buy an expensive digital test but DH and I made plans to spend the day together.  I don't want to tell him why because I don't want him to get excited.  I guess I'll wait until tomorrow and test again.
More later.

Symptom Shopping

I've reached 8dpo and my least favorite part of the 2ww, the part where my brain starts giving me early pregnancy symptoms.  So far I've got fatigue, naseau, metal mouth, achy boobs and a headache.  I think if I were to read about another common symptom I'd have it within hours.  One cycle I read a post about a woman who can always tell she's pg because she gets a cold sore.  I was 3 dpo when I read that and at 5 dpo I had a cold sore and was convinced we were pregnant (we weren't).  It's so cruel that we have to wait and try not to obsess (yeah right) for two weeks.
On another note, I just read an article about a high school in Memphis with 90 pregnant students.  How frustrating, those babies are not equipped with the skills, resources or maturity to raise children.  DH and I started trying over two years ago and God blesses 90 teenagers in one school but not us.  I hate reading stuff like this, I know I can't try to rationalize why them and not us, it's a trip down a rabbit hole that I really don't need to be in but how can you help not to think about it when you read crap like that.  Ironically, I was reading to try to get my brain off the 2ww.
More later...

WTF?

So - we're still waiting until we can test next week.  In the mean time it seems all hell has broken loose at the sperm bank we've been using.  Apparently they are closing indefinitely for 'reorganization'.  Some of the women I know who also use this bank have done some digging around and found out that they are filing for bankruptcy. I had a long talk with the woman I've been working with there yesterday and apparently we can prepay for 2 vials anytime before the end of the day on Monday and they will ship while they are closed, they just aren't taking new orders.
I like the woman that we've been working with, I don't think she'd intentionally mislead us but the whole thing has me nervous.  We don't even know if this cycle has worked yet or not and if it hasn't I really don't want to deal with finding out we've wasted $400 prepaying for vials that we can't get on top of trying to find another bank, I don't think I could handle that.
seriously - I'm so tired of trying to conceive, I'm beginning to take this personally, this is the last straw in a long list of shit we've dealt with in the two years we've been trying.  I really hope all this stress is a preamble for us getting a positive next week and all this stress is for nothing.  I'd happily waste $400 on sperm we don't need because we're pregnant.

Back in the 2WW

Well, we had our first IUI this morning.  Yesterday's ultrasound showed two follicles, one at 18 and one at 20.  We did the trigger shot yesterday morning and came back this morning for the IUI.  The nurse that did the procedure was blown away by the counts so we're encouraged.  Next weekend we'll start testing to see if the trigger shot has gone away (it's the same hormone as your body makes if you're pregnant and stays in your body for 6 - 12 days & can lead some women to think they're pregnant when they're not).  We should know sometime around the first of the month if we're pregnant.

Financially this has been an expensive month.  Here's a breakdown of what we've spent this cycle trying to get pregnant:
Consultation (follow up from initial eval & recommended course of treatment) $205.00
Femara (fertility med) $175
Ovidrel (trigger shot) $65
Donor Sperm & shipping $250
Ultrasound $250
IUI & Sperm Prep $278

Total that up and we've spent over $1200 this month trying to get pregnant.  We paid about $400 out of pocket and used our flex account to cover the rest.  We set aside $2500 this year for medical expenses but will need some of that to cover our deductible when we do get pregnant.  At this point we don't care, we'll make whatever payments necessary to get our baby.  We've been trying for just over two years now and before consulting a specialist had spent at least $5,000 on donor sperm and meds through my ob/gyn.  Hubby and I have a running joke comparing all our expenses to those American Express priceless ads ('drugs - $175, ultrasound - $250, baby - priceless)

Crossing everything in hopes that the next time you hear from me I'll be telling you we're pregnant!

About us

Hubby and I have been TTC for a little over 2 years now.  At the end of his last marriage he had a vasectomy.  Instead of spending a lot of time and money trying to get it reversed (which was not likely to work since it had been so long) we decided to go with an anonymous donor.  We spent months looking at different banks and finally chose one of the smaller ones out of Chicago.
After about 9 or 10 failed attempts at home we decided to move on to seeing a specialist and hopefully getting an IUI (intrauterine insemination).  The day before Thanksgiving we met with her, talked a little, got an ultrasound of my lady parts and gave 8 vials of blood.  We scheduled a follow up and were really disappointed when the soonest they could get us in was late January (it's the only RE's office in our city so they stay pretty busy).  A couple weeks after that first appointment they asked us to come in for a SHG (sonohystogram) to get a better look at a fibroid I have.  We had the SHG done right before Christmas - OUCH! but the ultrasound tech says I have "a beautiful uterus" (her words not mine).
Last week we went in to review all the results.  Not sure why but that morning I had a need to feel extra feminine (lots of make up, heels, etc) I was terrified there was going to be some kind of catastrophic reason why I wasn't getting pregnant.  Luckily, everything came back great.  The fibroid is small and out of the way and all my bloodwork comes back where it should.  We are still working to keep my hypothyroidism in check but otherwise everything looks good.
She suggested we do IUI with Femara and trigger shot.  The femara should help me produce more/better eggs and the trigger controls the timing (I'll ovulate 24 -36 hours after the shot is given).  I started the femara yesterday, so far just slightly achy and my fingers swelled up pretty badly today but not other side effects.  When we were working with my ObGyn and doing home insems I took clomid for a couple cycles and I was a BITCH so I think hubby likes this med better (even though its so much more expensive!)
So, Thursday morning we go in for an ultrasound and if I have a big enough follicle I'll get the trigger shot and we'll do the IUI next Friday.
With any luck I'll be on here in about 3 weeks telling everyone we're pregnant.