For no reason other than some much needed self assurance due to my age and history we decided to also see a high risk ob during this pregnancy. They don't deliver, just treat the pregnancy so you still see your normal ob but I wanted some reassurance because I've been so paranoid about very little twinge so far. Our first appointment was this morning and I spent yesterday collecting our sad histories and copying medical records for them. The first part of the appointment was a thorough ultrasound and pretty quickly I started to worry. Our little peanut always measures a couple days ahead of where we actually are but today, when we are 13 weeks 1 day the baby only measured 12 weeks 3 days. Then I started noticing the look on the ultrasound techs face. With three little words my world fell apart "there's no heartbeat"
We're supposed to be safe at this point, I was due for a little reprieve from the constant fear, that was due to revisit around 22 weeks around the same time my son was born. Not now, I wasn't supposed to have to worry now. This is so completely unfair. We did everything right, we gave up so much and sacrificed our retirement plans to pay for this baby. I'm still waiting to hear if we are even eligible to try again (the first pregnancy to go past 12 weeks they have fulfilled their obligation, otherwise you get up to 3 transfers)
I don't even know if I want to try again, I can't imagine going thru all the meds and stress again right now. Besides, I want this baby, not a baby. I'm so devastated I don't even know how to process this. I just can't figure out why we are being punished. there are crackheads in this city with 5 healthy kids and God takes ours? Tell me how that makes sense. I just want to wake up from this awful awful dream.
I am so incredibly sorry for your loss! We lost twins conceived through IVF summer of 2011 and we're still mourning them. It takes a lot of strength, but you will get through it.
ReplyDelete"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" Philippians 4:13
I'll be praying for you. So sorry.
I am so very sorry for the loss of your baby. I know what it feels like to lose a baby and want that baby so very badly. There are no words but you know that. I just wanted to share that my DH and I felt the same way back in 2010 when we had a cervical pregnancy and had to terminate a healthy pregnancy because the baby implanted in the wrong place. After many years of IVF and tens of thousands of dollars, we finally got a healthy baby and then it implanted in my cervix and we had to terminate with the metho shot. That took weeks....everyone at CAIVF held our hands through the whole thing. We wanted to give up but the doctors and nurses urged us to try again. We were not sure if we had the strength. But finally we agreed to move forward. We are so thankful we did because we got pregnant with triplets, identical boys and a girl. Although we lost one of our boys when he was 16 days old due to medical malpractice, we have two amazing babies here now with us. Can't imagine life without them. I know it seems unfair and no words will make the pain go away, but please don't give up. CC will work with you and you will have your baby or babies in your arms. I know it's hard to think of that at this moment, but I'll pray you find peace and the strength to move forward.
ReplyDeleteOH my word. I am so very heartbroken for you. I know the feeling of lying on that u/s table and hearing those words. Many warm cyber hugs being sent your way.
ReplyDeleteKd (genoah from BBC)