Not Pregnant - Again

I don't know why but my body is failing me at the one thing I want more than anything. I'm supposed to be focusing right now, I'm taking an 8 hour test tomorrow but instead I'm laying in bed with the flu feeling sorry for myself. I feel like a complete failure and like I have completely disappointed my poor husband who, bless him, has tolerated the baby crazies pretty well for the 3 years we've been on this path. I know he's tired and I know he'd be disappointed but ok if we stopped trying. He wants a baby but doesn't have the same drive as me, it's like he wants this but I need it, that's the best way I can explain it. But because he knows how I feel he's ok with continuing to dose me with hormones (which makes me a real treat btw), go in and out of doctors offices and spend every dime on making this happen. I love him for that and I'm so ashamed of my body for letting that wonderful man down again, he deserves better than this.
Both of us have buried children. I lost my premature infant son in '97, he lost his 18 yo son while serving our country two years ago. We are both uniquely aware of what a blessing children are. I wish I knew why God chose to make this such a challenge for us. Thinking about that and how some people, especially those who are so ungrateful and unprepared, seem to get pregnant so easily makes me bitter. I try not to dwell on it but, come on, you've all seen them, babies having babies, women who leave their kids in the car while they go in the mall to shop, people who can barely keep a roof over their head much less afford diapers. These are the thoughts that fester. I try not to let myself go there, especially since it only ends with more frustration but today, thats the place I'm trying to crawl out of. I want to walk thru life with the calm dignity that comes from knowing that it's going to happen but I can't get there right now, right now I'm angry, hurt, disappointed, and consumed by this nagging panic that maybe, just maybe, this is never going to happen. There i said it.