Last IUI of 2011

We're back at it again.  We are scheduled for an IUI tomorrow morning.  We were a little rusty and if you could see the bruises I have you'd be shocked.  I have two 2" bruises on my belly that are so purple they are nearly black.  It's pretty gnarly but it doesn't hurt so I just look at them as battle scars.  My RE moved so we got switched to a different doctor within the practice, I haven't met him yet but his protocol is a little different and I'm trying to roll with it like it's a good thing.  It's easier to do when you realize what we've been doing wasn't working but I have these little panic attacks that he's waiting too long and I'm going to miss my O.  I have short cycles.  My protocol has always been Femara CD 3-7, 75 IU of Gonal F on CD 5, 7 & 9, go in for ultrasound on CD10 and wait for instructions which are always to give myself the Ovidrel shot and come in the next morning for the IUI.  This time everything was the same except instead of coming in for the IUI on CD11, I'm going in tomorrow on CD12.  We'll see.

I don't know what's going to happen - as much as I want to declare 'this is the one' I'm exhausted.  It's heartbreaking to convince myself time and time again that we're finally pregnant only to see that damn single line on the HPT.  I'm turning it over to God.  I'm not sure why he's chosen this challenge for us but I'd determined to face it with a little more grace then I've been offering in the past.

We had set aside the limit of what we could put into a cafeteria (tax free) plan at the beginning of the year.  At the start of this cycle there was $200 left in that account and we've payed the rest of it out of pocket.  This ended up being quite a lot because our insurance didn't cover a couple of things they told us they would so we started out the cycle with a balance due.  Luckily, we've been focusing on getting our savings account in good shape again and we were prepared for this but given that the holidays are coming up we made the decision as a couple that if this isn't our cycle we're going to start fresh in January.  A year ago I would have been panicked at this idea.  This time, I'm ok.  I want more than anything to be a mom but making myself crazy isn't helping.  I'm done scouring the internet for IUI success rates, besides, I think I've read it all.

I also have the distraction of my licensing exam in two weeks.  It's not a cheap test and it's only offered twice a year so if I don't pass I'm out a bunch of money and can't take it again for 6 months so I don't have the luxury of spending every waking minute analyzing twinges.

So, here's hoping that this is the one.  The inner strength I've found with prayer and my elliptical machine are definitely lessening the crazy which already makes me feel closer to the goal.