Sunday, September 15, 2013

Fetal Doppler keeping me sane

So we're about to head into week 12 which is when our baby died last time.  It's been extremely nerve wracking, I spend a lot of time praying this pregnancy goes differently.  I went back and forth on renting a fetal Doppler but ultimately decided if our 11 week appointment went well I'd go ahead and order it.  I LOVE this machine.  I've been able to find the heartbeat every time I've tried.  Once it took a little while but I stopped for a few minutes, went to the bathroom and the heartbeat showed up exactly where I set the probe down when I started again.  Now I know if we lose the heartbeat there's nothing that can be done but not having to constantly wonder if s/he is still alive is amazing.  I record it on my phone for 15 seconds and count it to make sure the heart rate is good and it's consistently around 160 which is perfect.
I'm trying to find a balance between getting my hopes up and constantly being pessimistic.  I haven't found that sweet spot yet but every day I try.  Some days I think about how much different this pregnancy, no major bleed/ loss of twin at the beginning, no spotting, how active the baby is in all the scans, etc.  some days I think about how this is my fourth pregnancy and all I know is failure so I should assume this one will end up like all the same.  Cautious optimism is hard.
The scary thing is I don't have any doctors appointments this week.  I've been released from my RE, had my initial appointment with my ob last week, she referred me to the high risk guy and tried to get me in this week but he's out of town.  So, I'll see him at 13w2d (last pregnancy it was at his office on 13w1d we found out the baby had died).  That's gonna be a stressful day.
In the mean time I'm going to enjoy that a little of my energy seems to have come back and sit hear and listen to the sweet sound of this little ones heartbeat.


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