My Christmas Wish

My wish is that come August we have a healthy baby (or two).  I hope that baby knows how much we wanted him or her and feels comforted in that and it drowns out any potential negativity surrounding using a double donor embryo.  My wish is that he or she goes to a good school without fear of bullying or the terror that comes from a madman with a weapon.  My wish is that they will grow up happy and healthy, fall in love, be gracious, smart, giving honest individuals capable of hearing opinions different than their own with open minds.
Merry Christmas y'all, I hope all of our Christmas wishes come true.

Betas

Betas are in.  The first one was Monday which was 10dp5dt (15 dpo in a normal scenario) and it came back at 255.  My nurse called to tell me we're 'very pregnant' lol.  The second one was 12dp5dt and it was 646 so my doubling time is around 38 hours which is good.
Betas can indicate twins but they are not difinitive.  I looked ours up on betabase.info and we are almost the exact average for a twin pregnancy but I know someone who' first base was something like 35 and she had twins so until we get an ultrasound there's no way to know what's going on.  The clinic we used for the transfer sent an order to our local RE for an ultrasound at 7 weeks but since that's a Sunday they sent it for the Monday after.  I'm going to call my local RE and see if they'll see me the Thursday or Friday before.  I figure next week I'll be distracted with Christmas, then New Years the following week but I'll make myself crazy going thru another weekend to find out how many are in here.
Symptom wise I've been doing ok.  I've been really sleepy and my boobs are sore but I'm otherwise ok unless someone eats fish around me then I get nauseous.  I'm. It complaining, it could be much worse and it's so worth it!!!

We're pregnant!

Sorry for the suspense but its been a super busy week.  We found out we were pregnant and are over the moon excited!  Hubby still thinks both of them stuck, I don't have a feeling one way or the other, we won't know for sure until sometime in January.
I got in for my blood test Monday, then a repeat test Wednesday to make sure my hormones are going in the right direction.  Those levels can indicate if there is more than one in there but it's nothing difinitive so we are all gonna have to wait.
I've had a little spotting off and on, nothing major but it has me worried.  Hubby said its normal so I've just been spending as much time off my feet as possible and praying its just one or both of them snuggling in.
Once we get some beta numbers back I'll check in with a quick post.

This is so exciting!

Weekend whirlwind

The last three days were such a whirlwind I'm not even sure where to start.  We flew to San Francisco Thursday, got in around 3pm and did a little sight seeing.  Neither of us had ever been there so it was nice to see the pier and the crazy streets, Chinatown, and so much else.  We packed about 3 days of sightseeing into 5 hours then drove up to Sacramento.  The good thing about that is I was too exhausted to stay up all night worrying/excited about the next day.
Our transfer was Friday morning and it went beautifully.  We transferred two fresh 5day grade 2 expanding blast embryos.  They sent us home with a picture of each and one of both of them, the embryologist called it a family photo, lol.  They are pinned up on our fridge, hubby keeps calling it babies first photo shoot.
Our flight home was early Saturday morning so we drove back down to San Francisco and did a little more mellow sight seeing, we did a boat cruise and found a restaurant with a view of the sea lions on the pier and had an early dinner.  We were tucked into bed by 8pm.
So now we wait.  My goal is to make it to Thursday to test, that's 6 days past 5 day transfer.  If I can make it till Friday even better but I know me and I doubt I'll be able to do that.  My beta is scheduled for Monday the 17th which seems like soo far away!  They tell you not to test till the beta but seriously? That's too long to wait.
Hubby is super confident it worked, I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high but  the truth is I'm gonna be crushed if it didnt work.  Maybe I can sleep for 6 days so I don't have to deal with the wait... I'll be back when we test and post the results.

Here we go!

We've been (not so) patiently waiting to see how our egg donor progresses through this cycle and hoping we'd have a wonderful Christmas because we were finally pregnant.  Everything seemed like some far off goal and wasn't really real until the patient coordinator at our clinic called Friday to tell us we are transferring next Friday!  We've booked our plane tickets and rental car, made arrangements for a cat sitter and spent a lot of time with really goofy grins on our faces.
If all goes well we'll get a bfp sometime around the end of next week!

Day One -Kharma Boost

Today we kicked off our transfer cycle with a baseline ultrasound.  It went smoothly, no cysts and ovaries are nice and suppressed from the continuous birth control.  I brought in a leftover gonal f cartridge from my iui cycles and instead of trying to sell it I just donated it back to them to give to someone who needs it.  We'd rather get the good will than the money because we strongly believe you get back what you put out into the universe.
So, I did my first dose of Lupron today which I hear comes with some gnarly side effects (headaches, fatigue, hunger, general bitchiness) but so far nothing but a metal taste in my mouth.  Given the other options I'd rather take the metal taste.
I'll slowly add and change meds but don't go back to the doctor until after thanskgiving.  Hopefully my hormones won't get too out of control or hubby may lose his mind.  I think with the thanksgiving holiday it will go by quickly.  Every time I think about how there's a great chance we'll be pregnant by Christmas I get a big goofy smile.

Matched!

I had completely written off the possibility of matching this month.  It seemed completely unlikely that we would match so quickly after the surgery.  It was so unlikely that when an email showed up from the program coordinator last night it took me a while for my brain to register what it was saying.
The profile is amazing.  The physical characteristics aren't too similar to us but the personalities are great.  I feel instantly bonded.
There's one hiccup (of course) the estimated timeframe for when the transfer will happen is 12/1 to 12/6. A lot can change between know and then that will affect that but 12/1 is the date of one of my closest friends wedding, which I'm in.  She says she'd understand but I hate to even put her in that position.  I don't want to be responsible for any problems during her wedding.
I've found a group of women who use this program and to date every single one of them has transferred either at the very end of that timeframe or after but that's no guarantee.  I'm also going to talk to the coordinator about my concerns to see if he can ease my mind any but as of right now we are accepting the match and hoping for the best.

Polyp free and ready to roll

I had my polypectomy yesterday and its been a relatively pain free experience.  I showed up at the surgery center and signed so many forms I could have gotten a mortgage, put on a fabulous surgical gown, complete with hairnets and socks with non-skid pads and got grilled repeatedly about what I had to eat last and when, seriously, I must have been asked by at least six people.  Our doctor stopped by, explained everything to us, asked some questions about the clinic we are using (we haven't seen him since we chose to pursue EA/DE) and was on his way.  I got wheeled back to the operating room, was given something to relax me and the next thing I know I'm in recovery with the worst case of cotton mouth I've ever had.  I was in and out for a while, I vaguely remember my husband coming and siting with me, I think the nurses filled him in on everything, gave him discharge instructions and let him hang out while I woke up.  They gave me a pain pill for the cramping and once I was able to dress myself and pee they let us go home.  I spent most of the afternoon sleeping off the anesthesia, had some family stop by with dinner and went back to bed.
The worst part about the whole thing is how achy my lungs are from the breathing tube,  I feel like I spent yesterday chain smoking.  I can't walk faster than a stroll without having to stop and catch my breath.  We walked thru an art festival downtown today and dh was constantly having to stop so I could sit and catch my breath.  By the time we got home I was beat, we ended up on the couch with me taking a two hour nap.  All in all its been a pretty painless (but expensive) detour.
Now we wait to match.  We've figured out that matching happens at the end of the month so there's a slim chance we will actually match next week which would mean a transfer the first or second week of December.  I'm gonna be bummed if it doesn't happen right away but realistically I think it might be a couple months to match.  Either way there's a great chance that this time next year we could have a baby (or two) at home!  We've been in touch with some other ladies using CC and to date 8 women have had transfers, 7 got pregnant and of those 7 unfortunatly one had a miscarriage, but regardless those are some impressive numbers!  Most of these women were on their first try which for me means knowing that the program has a built in back up plan for a bfn or loss and will take so much of the pressure off.

This would be funny if it wasn't sad

We got a call from the clinic we are using Friday.  My nightmare scenario is coming true.  They want me to have the polyp I have removed.  I called my RE's office to see if they can do it, they will but they don't do it in their office, they do it under conscious sedation in the surgery center downstairs.  This means that it becomes part of our $2,500 deductible not a copay.  Hubby and I talked briefly about waiting until the first of the year so then, if we got pregnant quickly the delivery would come from the same deductible as the surgery but the fees for this clinic are going up another $2,700 at the first of the year so it won't save us any money.  So now I need to have a long talk with their care coordinator and basically get a commitment from them to pay this years rate if I'm ready to match by the end of the year.  I think dh would come unglued if we busted our ass to get all this testing done, rush to get this polyp removed then not get matched until January and have to pay the increased fee.  If he doesn't agree to that we are going to have to wait because we don't have an extra $5,00 which is what both the surgery and the rate increase will cost.
More than anything I feel like this is just adding insult to injury.  I mean, haven't we been thru enough?

That was a little traumatic

I have been poked and prodded for three days straight.  I had an annual exam Tuesday and my ob-gyn's awesome staff was able to get me in for a mammogram the next day.  Plus, the donor embryo program we are working with sent an order to my RE's office for a saline ultrasound and they worked me in for that today.  All we have left is the therapy appointment next week.  Then, unless one of these tests come back abnormal, we are ready to match!  They say matching will happen within 6 months but from what I've seen it only takes a couple weeks.  Ours could take longer since we are looking for a mixed race embryo but I'm still hopeful the process will go quickly & we can start the new year pregnant.
As far as the testing this week goes the saline study was easily the most painful but the mammogram was definitely the most traumatic.  I didn't think anything of it when we scheduled it, I was even fine on the drive there but once I got there I realized it was a HUGE mistake not to ask hubby to come with me.  I haven't been back in this diagnostic center since the morning of last years surgery, they did my wire localization.  A wire localization is a procedure where they clamp your breast into a mammogram machine, numb it, and stick what felt like a pipe cleaner into your breast, using the mammogram images to guide the wire into the tumor.  This wire is used during the surgery to help guide the surgeon to the tumor.  Given why I was having this surgery I thought it was a good idea but it was unbelievably painful, I cried the whole way thru it.  Needless to say walking in there again didn't exactly give me the warm and fuzzies...  I had a quiet little panic attack in the waiting room filling out forms.  They got a little better with some text distractions from loved ones but still not my finest hour.  I was really hoping to come out of the mammogram not needing an ultrasound to get a better look at something (I've never not had to have an ultrasound before so I was looking forward to it) but this isn't how it went down.  The ultrasound tech had zero personality and wouldn't tell me what she was looking at.  I know from all my rounds of IUI what it looks like when an ultrasound tech is measuring something and this chick was measuring all kinds of stuff, on both sides!  She spent what felt like an hour but was probably more like 20 minutes ultra sounding my breasts and then just disappeared to talk to the radiologist while I sat there and waited, convinced I was dying.  She came back and explained I have two cysts and that they want me to come back in 6 months for another look but that I was fine.  They hand you a form when you leave that has four boxes on it 1) nothing/clear 2) probably benign 3) suspicious 4) catastrophe. I always end up in the #3 box and I was really hoping to hit the first box this time but instead I'm in the second box which is still improvement so ill take it.
But in 6 months, hubby is coming with me when I go back.

I don't understand your issue

I googled the donor embryo clinic we are using today and it seems there are a bunch of people getting worked up over what they are offering and their referring to it as donor embryos.  What's offered is two embryos per transfer created from combining donor eggs and donor sperm.  The eggs donated from women are split up between several patients and if the cycle is not sucessful you get an embryo from a new egg/sperm donor at the next transfer.
Apparently people are taking issue with two things - calling them donor embryos and offering them at all.  I really don't understand the problem.  They have been very upfront with dh and I about what they are offering and what that means so people's claims that they are hiding something are just coming from people with more opinions than knowledge but the other two things, either I'm overlooking something or people are looking for something to be upset about.  There are way more people out there looking for them than people offering embryos from left over ivf cycles so its not like creating these embryos means existing ones will be destroyed.  There's another claim that you shouldn't sell embryos.  I don't get that one either.  An egg donor and or sperm donor is compensated.  Traditional egg donors are known to charge several thousand dollars.  The clinic that creates these embryos is deserving of compensation for the work they do too.  The last thing I really don't get is people taking issue with calling it a donor embryo, if a donor egg and donor sperm don't make a donor embryo I don't know what does.
Maybe I'm just not seeing it but it really seems to me people are looking at something to be upset about and feel superior over.  You would think the infertility struggle would bring people together... Guess not.

Here We Go

There are so many things to get done to get to the point of being matched.  We have to:

Have a phone consult with their coordinator (done)
Fill out a medical history form (done)
Have a phone consult with one of their doctors (done)
Request our records from our RE for them to review (on their way)
Get several labs run (doing that tomorrow)
Get an annual exam (scheduled for the week after next)
Get a mammogram (obgyn will order it at my annual exam)
Meet with a therapist who specializes in infertility (calling tomorrow to set up)

I might also have to have some tests redone since its been more than a year but I'm waiting for them to get my records and review them to tell me for sure what I'll need (hopefully nothing).

In the mean time I started my period today, I called their coordinator to report it (at their request) and I'm to start taking birth control pills on Saturday.  I know it sounds weird to think someone trying to get pregnant starts by taking the pill but they want to be able to control your cycle so it syncs up with the donor in case you get a fresh transfer.

So, we are well on our way.  As long as none of the testing I need shows anything to be worried about we should be able to match by the end of the year!

Consults 1 & 2 done!

We've had both our initial consult with the coordinator of the donor embryo program and the consult with their doctor.  Next step is getting an annual exam and mammogram as well as sending them our records from our RE's office.  I'm also working on dropping a few pounds since I'm within tenths of a point of their BMI requirement.  I have serious doubts on if I'll qualify for their guarantee because of a fibroid I have but I'm going to talk to my RE, tell him what's going on and see if he thinks it's worth my pursuing.
I'm trying to let this just play out how it's gonna play out but the control freak in me is struggling.

....proof I'm conflicted about the refund: had a salad for dinner and worked out, now I'm eating a piece of pie.... I'm a puzzle.

Forward Motion

We had our phone consult this week, I took all kinds of notes, even recorded most of it (put iPhone on speaker and use iPad to record with voice memo app) I'm trying real hard to just roll with this and let it play out how it's going to play out but seriously, I'm a control freak.  Here's what I learned though:  next step is to have a phone consult with one of their doctors, that's scheduled for Monday, we also have to meet with a therapist specializing in infertility to make sure we understand the complexities.  I also need a bunch of tests, current annual exam and mammogram, fun for me...

Their stats: for FET 50% twin rate, 50% pregnancy rate per cycle, for fresh transfer 50% twin rate, 65% - 85% pregnancy rate.  A-mazing!!!

The thing that has me most stressed is the timeline, traveling with a 'window of time, especially with fresh transfers makes me uncomfortable.  My company works from 'the cloud' so with a laptop i can work anywhere with a wifi signal but hubby cant do that so he may not be able to come with me.  Then hubby and I started doing the math and the program fee ($9,800) is just the start.  I figure there's probably 2 lining checks, approx $200 each, meds which they quoted at $800 - $1,000 each and travel & hotel expenses, which I'm ball parking at $1,000. So, the program fee covers up to three tries, if we need all three (please no!) add another   $2,000 to $2,500 per cycle which totals $7,500!  I think hubs had a small stroke.

Hopefully this will work on the first try and we can FINALLY get our bfp!

Step one

We have our initial phone consult with the donor embryo clinic on Tuesday, I'm. Trying to organize my thoughts to figure out what we want to ask and I'm having a hard time with it.  This is such a new idea I don't even know what I don't know... (that made sense in my brain, probably more than it does to you). Hubby doesn't seem to have many questions, he's too focused on getting the money together trying to be pragmatic about it, I think he's been disappointed too many times to get excited about this yet.
Here's hoping that between now and Tuesday I can calm my brain down enough to organize my thoughts.
More later.

Who Cares How You Get There???

I've had a couple of blunt conversations with loved ones in my life about this new option we are pursuing.  Most people have never heard the term 'donor embryo' before and have to be brought up to speed on where they come from.  Of the half dozen or so people I've shared this with the majority have been super supportive and excited about the idea.  I did have one person who, in retrospect, was only asking the frank questions I rely on my friends for, the ones that force me to examine my own intentions but at the time I could feel myself getting defensive and angry.  But there was one woman who took me completely by surprise.  I've always found her to be a little judgmental and I think her opinions are largely driven by whoever explained 'their side' of the issue first rather than any genuine introspective thought process but her reaction to our news took me completely by surprise.  "aren't you worried that you'll get the bad eggs since the bio-mom used the best ones?". "how are you going to explain what you did to your future kid?  They aren't technically adopted but they aren't genetically yours either?" "Do you think you'll bond the same way with someone else's baby growing inside you?". It went on and on. It helps to know she has three beautiful girls, all of whom were planned for and none of whom did she have to struggle to get so she has no personal frame of reference for this journey but still, I felt like she was slinging judgement and fear on me to the point that I needed a shower when I was done.  I don't even know what I was thinking by telling her, I think I was just excited and was having lunch with her.  We met for lunch in one of my favorite local dives and we came separately so I paid the check and gave her the following analogy: we both came here from similar parts of town, you took main and I took second street.  Does it really matter much how we got here?  I'd like to enjoy the fact that we're both here and instead you're too busy passing judgement on the route i took.  And with that, I got up and left knowing then more than ever that this is our best path to parenthood and I'm totally at peace with this.

Embryo adoption???

We had an appointment with our RE to discuss what's next since this clearly isn't working.  Before going in I spent a little while on the Internet looking for options to ask about and came across something called embryo adoption.  I've done just a tiny bit of Internet research on this, enough to know it could be a plausible option for us.
After talking for a little while about why IUI didn't seem to be working our RE started talking about IVF.  I asked out my probably egg quality issue and he was pretty blunt.  My odds of IVF working were probably somewhere between 10 & 20 percent.  That really doesn't seem to be high enough to justify the expense.  I asked him about embryo adoption and he was instantly supportive of the idea.  They don't keep an embryo bank at their practice but would do everything from pre and post transplant monitoring to even doing the transfer if where we get an embryo from would ship.  He's also willing to talk to the bank/agency doing the match to review egg quality so he can approve them.  I feel like this is our next step if we keep going.
I say if we keep going because my husband didn't ask a single question while we were there.  I talked to him a little on the way out (we drove separately) and couldn't get an answer from him on his thoughts.  I don't know if he's still processing or he's trying to find a gentle way to tell me he's not feeling this option.  I guess we'll talk more tonight.
In the mean time I left work early to pray on this a little (and spend some time on the Internet).

Crying at the movies

I'm not a super emotional (outwardly) girl, well, unless I'm hopped up on fertility drugs but that's another story.  But that didn't stop me from crying my way thru The Odd Life of Timothy Green this weekend.  Hubby picked the movie (not sure what he was thinking) and I spent most of it, especially the end, trying to hide the fact that I was sitting there losing my shit while he enjoyed the movie.
The good thing about seeing a movie you can relate to is you feel less alone.  The bad thing is it brings it all front and center.  I spent the movie coming to terms with the idea that maybe our family won't be completed by me but a kind, giving person who honors us with the task of raising their child as our own.
So, if you're struggling with completing your family you may want to wait on seeing this till it comes out of video, or bring a lot of tissues.

I'll take 'people who aren't pregnant' for $2,000 Alex

Well I guess convincing myself we weren't pregnant helped buffer the disappointment because I made it thru the day without having to run in the bathroom and cry at work.  I was able to compartmentalize my feelings and enjoy a nice anniversary dinner with my husband.  We talked about the disappointments (all of them) and what plan 'B' (really plan 'M' but who's counting) is going to be.  This isn't working.  We just had our 5th or 6th iui and that was after countless tries at home.  It's been 3 1/2 years. I've given him 3 choices: IVF, adoption, or giving up.   I presented them pretty equally with all their pros and cons, I asked him to spend a couple days thinking about it.  We'll talk after he marinates on it a couple days.
In the mean time I'm going to enjoy a much deserved cocktail, because I can.

9 days and counting

I'm 9dpiui today and am trying to make it till Thusday to test, it's 12dpiui and our wedding anniversary.  It's been three and a half years we've been doing this and between home and the doctor we've probably had 20 two week waits.  I feel like this is something we do every once and a while to waste some money and I have no expectation it will turn out any differently than any of the others.  I don't know if it's my brains way of preparing my heart for another painful disappointment but I'm already assuming we're gonna get another bfn.  Maybe thats pessimistic but if history is any indication....
In the mean time I get to contend with all the bfp symptoms that come with the trigger and progesterone, lucky me.

Baby making on the down low

Ive got a secret. The only person we've told is my sister because of a logistical issue but we're trying again. I have a baseline ultrasound in the morning and meds start on Sunday. If all goes well I'll be able to tell my husband we're pregnant on our anniversary. We've always been very open about what we're doing and when but it adds a lot of unnecessary pressure to an already stressful situation and that's easily avoidable. So this time we are keeping it to ourselves. I feel bad not being completely honest with people but this try is already pretty stressful. This is probably our last iui. After this try we will have exhausted both our pre-tax money and our meds. If its meant to be this will be all we need. If not, we'll move on to either adoption or ivf. But for now I'm going to keep myself in a positive place and turn it over to fate.

Proof

I read an article yesterday about a three year old boy who was murdered by his father for wetting his pants. This is another painful example of proof that God has nothing to do with making babies. I believe in God, He's a big part of how I choose to live my life but there are two places where God doesn't apply: politics and who gets to be a parent. If God was involved in making babies He wouldn't have peaked a women's fertility at 16. Rapists and child molesters would be infertile (and impotent). Women with addictions wouldn't get pregnant. I could give you a million more examples of this proof but you all know what I'm talking about. And this is exactly what I told the last person who told me to 'pray on it' after learning about our fertility struggle.

Blessings

One of my closest friends got engaged recently. We're a group of four, spread across the country, we spend a lot of time on Skype and they're the kind of girls who, when something happens to one of us it happens to all of us. We've laughed together, grieved together, cried together, celebrated together, you name it and we've done it. We've been thru marriages, babies, death of parents, personal crisis', and much, much more. When I had my breast cancer scare they descended on me and propped me up thru the whole thing. They sent care packages nearly daily, one them even made a card by taping two pink party plates together and drew nipples on them so they looked like boobs. They've listened to me go on and on about trying to get pregnant, get excited every cycle and help me thru the disappointment of another BFN. We planned a girls weekend to check out where she wanted to get married and have some fun. We had a blast, drank too much champagne and stayed up too late talking. I came back recharged and feeling whole again. I wonder sometimes about people who don't have that core group of friends, those people who would walk thru fire for you. These women are amazing and I'm a better person having them in my life. I'm blessed with so many things, one of them is having them in my life. That weekend left me energized and ready to face this again. I think next cycle will be our next and last iui.

One Way Or Another

After a little baby makin vaca we're back. Sometime in the next cycle or two we're gonna try one more IUI with super-ovulation. If this one doesn't work we're moving on. We'll either do IVF or adoption. Not sure how we'll find the money but we'll make it work. I want to carry our child, I lost a little boy prematurely and felt like I failed as a woman. I want to carry a baby to term, I want the experience but we can't keep doing this indefinitely. DH has such a good heart and didn't hesitate when I brought the idea of using donor sperm, he will love our child with his whole heart, regardless of biology. If we ultimately decide to move ahead with adoption I know I'll love him or her like I would a child I carried, it's not about that, the biology of it is a non-issue to me. It's the experience. I've been fascinated by pregnancy since I learned where babies came from. The idea that you can grow another human being inside you is simply amazing. More than all that I want to be a mom. Add into that how exhausted we both are of this whole process I think this next iui will be out last. We'll either adopt or move onto IVF. But for now, we'll probably start shots again in a few weeks and gear up for one more try.

Baby Staycation

Sorry for going radio silent but we've been on a bit of a break lately. Weve been talking about what's next and have a plan. (I believe we're at plan M not but who's counting) we have one sample left (we bought two vials last time), we have 3 300 unit vials of gonal f/follistim so we'll probably try to get one more (praying our RE has one!) and we have all but about $400 of what it would take to cover the costs of the monitoring and iui. So, financially we're good for one more cycle. After that, we're out of meds, cafeteria money and donor sperm. A fully out of pocket super ov cycle would cost between $3000 and $3500 all in which would take some planning. I don't even know if our RE would let us do a third round so it may be more than the financial implications at that point. Long story short hubby and I had a talk about all this and he wants to do this last cycle sometime in the next couple of months and if it doesn't work he wants to take several months off. He's tired of living and dying by my fertility cycle. He needs a break and I need to respect that. I think, if we don't get pregnant this time we'll probably be out until the holidays. I'm at peace with this for two reasons: he's put up with so much for me, I need to give him this and two: I've been working on putting my resume and portfolio together and have my eye one a couple architecture firms in Chicago which means fertility coverage from our insurance which means ivf. In the mean time I need to figure out when the right time is to do this next/last iui cycle. We have several weddings and a reunion coming up some committing to a cycle in the midst of a lot of travel is gonna be a challenge.

A giant step backwards

Not being able to TTC leaves a lot of empty time in my brain. I'm the kind of person that needs a project, someone who does do well without something occupying my time. Since we aren't TTC this cycle I've spent a lot of time doing alot of the Pinterest projects I've pinned. I've also been spending a lot of time watching the republican politicians try to out conservative each other and find a way to make their government so small it will fit inside my uterus. I don't usually wade into this stuff, I don't think I ever have on my blog before but what's going on now is dangerous.
I believe in pluralism, I think it's the key to what makes us so great. The simple idea that not only is it ok to have different ideas, it's celebrated. We're supposed to embrace our differences not vilify they. I don't have a problem with politicians, I don't have much use for them since they seldom accomplish anything and all of them seem to be more concerned with vanity and divisiveness that the individuals they are supposed to be representing but I don't have a problem with them. Until now. What these old men are talking about is a GIANT step backwards for women. Several states have legislation pending right now that would remove, limit, or severely impair a woman's right to IVF. These same bills would severly restrict the options of what can be done with remaining embryos after IVF.
These 'personhood' amendments are, in my opinion Act One of the assult on womanhood. You don't need to have experience with infertility to know that limiting choice thru law is not small government, it's anti-women. I have beliefs based on my faith and my morals and guess what, I think those beliefs are guidelines on how I live my life, not justification for imposing myself on others. Religion shouldn't be used as a weapon. I suggest you go to resolve.org and see if you live in a state with some of this pending legislation and remember, if you don't say anything against it you are effectively supporting it.

Nope

It's true, bad things come in three's. My three are: we had a car accident (everyone's fine, but the car... Not so much), my sister's in the hospital, and I'm not pregnant (again). My RE is making have a 'rest cycle' so I'm out till late April but that's ok, I need a little time to be a wife, sister, friend, daughter and not have my every thought go to babies.

I picked a really bad time to give up alcohol for lent....

I'm weak!

Today marks 7dpiui and I'm going a little crazy. I don't know why but it never fails, my willpower crumbles right about now. True to form, I'm at it again. I spent my allotted hour of crazy googling to searching 8dpo accuracy odds. I told myself that Saturday (12dpo) would be the day I'd test and it was easy to stick to that last week but it's gonna be a llllooooooonnnnnggggggg week. I argue with myself 'but what if a test would already show positive now, you're just torturing yourself extra days for no reason' yeah it ain't logical but the devil in my brain is loud and convincing.
I've been having crazy vivid dreams lately and achy, swollen boobs, im sleeping like narcolepsy girl and have had a headache since last friday but I wouldn't read much into it, I've already looked into it and these are all thanks to the progesterone suppositories I've been taking any not likely bfp symptoms. It seems cruel to give a TTC lady something that will make her feel pregnant but whatever, I guess even if I didn't have to take the progesterone my head would give me phantom symptoms to screw with me. At least this way I can blame my RE.

Back in the Two Week Wait

We had our IUI this morning and I'm cautiously optimistic about our chances this cycles, everything has gone right. Saturday's ultrasound revealed three follicles, one at 21, one at 16 and one at 11. They loved the 21 and were pretty sure the 16 would catch up but thought maybe the 11 wasn't going to do anything. That afternoon they called to tell me to trigger that night and come in today (Monday) for the IUI & that my e2 came back at 335!! (I know this doesn't sound like a lot but for me it's great, I don't think I ever cracked 200 before.)

I was a little nervous about the new bank because we've had so many problems with low counts recently but cryogam totally came thru with a count over 40million! Yeah cryogam!

So now we wait, I've never been good at waiting the full 14 days but I'm going to try not to test too early, it's so freakin disappointing. If I make it to next Saturday I'll be 12 dpo, I'm hoping that will be enough.

To keep me busy I get to experience the joys of progesterone suppositories starting Wednesday, yeah me. Ive heard from a couple of you that they are a mess to deal with and cause some delightful side effects so I'm guessing my husband is going to love this but hey, at this point who cares. Can it really be worse than the hormonal ball of nerves he gets to sleep next to now?

The one thing I've learned thru fertility treatments is my husband will never leave me because if he was going to he would have left already.

Oh Pinterest, I didn't know what I was missing

I decided to check out Pinterest after hearing all these good things and my oh my am I a happy girl. I have so many photography ideas, sewing projects, nursery ideas, announcement ideas, craft projects, etc that I'm overflowing. It's a wonderful distraction from obsessing about getting pregnant. It creeps in, all the wonderful little ideas like buying cheap wall mounted spice racks, painting them fun colors and using them for kids height bookshelves or how to turn colorful knit socks into a cute little stuffed bear but it's so much more relaxing that googling 5th IUI success rates.

And today's crazy is brought to you by the letters Rx

Its been my experience that women get a little nutty about two things: weddings and babies. The retail world knows this and in true predatory style mark up all things wedding & fertility crazy amounts because they know we'll pay. Have you ever noticed that you can book a hotel meeting/reception space for a business meeting or reunion for MUCH less money than a wedding reception? Next time any of you are planning a wedding call one of the places you are interested in and get a quote for a family reunion, call back and ask for the same space for a wedding reception and see how much more they charge. It's ridiculous but we keep paying it so they keep overcharging.

Today I decided to do some calling around to see where I can get my trigger shot (ovidrel) at the best price. A bunch of these places don't have weekend hours but here's what I found for the ones that do:

Freedom Pharmacy: $95 ($65 + $30 for shipping since I'm not ordering anything else)
Health Warehouse: $95 (never heard of them before which makes me nervous but good price)
Target: $123.99 (this is the best non-mail order price around, go Target!)
Walgreens: $205
RiteAid: $210.79
Kroger: $216.99 (this bothers me because last time I priced this with them it was much less)
CVS: $243.99

I've read online that Ascend has a good price, maybe even better than Freedoms but they have crappy hours and weren't available when I was calling around. I used to get it from Costco for a good price but I'm not a member anymore and so I need to see if they will still sell to me.

CVS's price is 250% higher than the cheapest option. Geez CVS, take advantage much? Shame on you.

ETA: Costco has the best price avaliable ($95) and you don't need to be a member to use their pharmacy. Ascends price ended up being more than Freedoms at $99. Technically Freedom and Health warehouse are the same as Costco but you have to be home to sign for them, at Costco you can just swing by when convenient.

Day One

Today is day one of my cycle. I know it's weird but I was actually happy to get my period. I called my RE's office and they got me scheduled to come in Sunday morning at 8am (yuck) and get bloodwork and an ultrasound (super-yuck) We'll start shots that day. I'm going to try to start the shots at a time that hubby will be around to give them because when I give them I end up with an almost black bruise that's 1"-2" big. If I have to do that to myself 7-10 times I'm gonna look like a battlefield. For some reason when hubby gives them I don't bruise, our doc says its because I hesitate. I'm not sure how I feel about the fact that hubby can jab me without hesitating.
And so the crazy begins. Every cycle we TTC I say, I'm just gonna relax, do what the doc says and try not to think about it until AF is due again. Instead I end up a hormonal hot mess who reads too much into every twinge. So this time Im taking a cue from one of you and I'm allowing myself 30 minutes of crazy a day. It's my allotted time to scour the Internet for hopeful tidbits, feel myself up too see if my boobs are unusually achy, sketch nursery ideas, etc. I know it's crazily optimistic but I couldn't help myself, today's allotted crazy time was spent by going online to a due date calculator and if this cycle works our baby is due on hubby's birthday :-)
With everthing that has gone right for us lately I'm really hopeful that after reloading our emotional and financial tanks with a break from TTC and a new protocol that we'll get our baby with this try.

Here we go again

After a LOONNNGGG break from TTC we're getting ready to try again. After a lot of debate we decided to order two vials from the new bank. That's a lot of money to waste if we get a bfp but we think having an extra vial available to thaw if the counts are low on the first one makes it worth it. We've never used this bank before and it's a huge investment of money for meds and doctors visits with this protocol. I'd hate to ruin all that money and effort with a bad vial and after everything we've been thru with less than promised post thaw counts the peace of mind is worth it. Plus, after all the money we've spent to date I'll happily waste $350 on an unused vial.
I've searched my house and can't find the sheet of paper with the new protocol on it. I know we have to call when AF shows and schedule a CD3 ultrasound (delightful) and that we start shots that day or the next. We'll do 150iu shots every day with monitoring ultrasounds and bloodwork every 3 days or so. It sounds like a lot but I'm sure it will go by quickly. What won't go quickly is that damn two week wait. I may have to take a trip for work and as much as I hate these trips I'm hoping it happens just to pass the time quicker.
We need all the prayers we can get that this is finally the protocol we need to get our bfp. Think positive!

Write it down

Back in September hubby and I sat in the parking lot to the local mini-golf place waiting for my niece to get there for her 8th birthday. We had a little time so we made a list of our wants. Our realistic wants not dreams like a 5 karat Tiffany diamond but things like a new flat panel tv for the bedroom, etc. Since September we've already knocked off about 75% of the things we wrote down that day. Simply writing it down gave us a goal and when one of us worked a little overtime or something we bought something off our list instead of blowing it on eating out or something frivolous.
The thing about this that makes me happy is we are about $2,000 worth of stuff, a new car and a baby away from having everything we want. I wonder how many people can say that? I know people probably see things about my marriage that they think they wouldn't like but I can say without reservation that my husband is my best friend and I believe our relationship one I wouldn't trade for anything.
I'm about two weeks away from having what I hope is my last period for a while. We finally picked a new donor and got our paperwork in order so we should be ready to go. I'm going to stay positive if it kills me. I added 'have a baby' to our list of stuff and I can't wait to move it to the 'done' list.
For now I'm going to go curl up next to my husband and enjoy what I have.

Turning Points

For some reason we all look at new years as an opportunity for a fresh start. Somehow, the date shifting from December 31st to January 1st offers a cleanse that going from April 8th to April 9th doesn't. It's a psychological cleanse, an opportunity to shake off all that old year before baggage and start over. It marks the comeback of hope.

This year I have laser focus. I have an intentional, honest, achievable goal. My goal is to stay focused on what I do have. I am blessed in so many wonderful ways. I gain nothing by dwelling on what I don't have so now, when I start to get frustrated about a struggle I remind myself one of any of the wonderful things I do have.

I don't usually make resolutions on New Years. I have to many memories of drunken promises that had the shelf life of milk. But this goal, it's different, I've been so stressed about so many things but what does belaboring it accomplish? Stress breeds more stress, it's a trip down the rabbit hole. But if that's true wouldn't the opposite also be true? Does happiness breed happiness? I'm performing a social experiment with myself as the first test case.

So far it's been a rousing success. Professionally this has been an exceptional two weeks. One of my projects came in second place in a national design competition, I've been promoted, I recently found out I passed my licensing exam and I just negotiated a healthy raise.

More results later. Stay positive!

Allow me to get on my soapbox for a minute

I know you all have heard me rant about this before but seriously, where are all the black sperm donors? We're looking for a new donor at our RE's request. Our only guidelines are that they be black and anonymous, we are not interested in contact down the road, hubby will be this little ones dad, period. I've been all over the Internet again and I've found 11 donors that meet both our requirements. No that's not a typo, I found 11. Hubby wants him to be at least 6' tall so that's probably going to eliminate about half of them so I guess choosing will be easy (silver lining). The other thing I noticed was there's such a dramatic difference in price. They range from $440 to $800 for one vial plus shipping. They all seem to have the same guarantee so I've agreed to get long profiles of my top three and let hubby choose from there without me telling him the cost, he wants to make an unbiased choice. The goal is to be ready next cycle, we'll see if we can get this taken care of by then, I've got about 3 or 4 weeks. But really, we have maybe 5 options, does that sound right? I pray we don't end up feeling like we are picking from the best of what's available, I want us to love the profile we pick, I think we deserve that. Ok, I'm off my soapbox now.

I was going to get on here and blog about the lovely job hubby did picking Christmas presents. We did our late Christmas on New Years this year and he did great. Instead, I'm so annoyed by this I'm going to have to put that off till next time....

I hope you all had a lovely new years, more later