Fetal Doppler keeping me sane

So we're about to head into week 12 which is when our baby died last time.  It's been extremely nerve wracking, I spend a lot of time praying this pregnancy goes differently.  I went back and forth on renting a fetal Doppler but ultimately decided if our 11 week appointment went well I'd go ahead and order it.  I LOVE this machine.  I've been able to find the heartbeat every time I've tried.  Once it took a little while but I stopped for a few minutes, went to the bathroom and the heartbeat showed up exactly where I set the probe down when I started again.  Now I know if we lose the heartbeat there's nothing that can be done but not having to constantly wonder if s/he is still alive is amazing.  I record it on my phone for 15 seconds and count it to make sure the heart rate is good and it's consistently around 160 which is perfect.
I'm trying to find a balance between getting my hopes up and constantly being pessimistic.  I haven't found that sweet spot yet but every day I try.  Some days I think about how much different this pregnancy, no major bleed/ loss of twin at the beginning, no spotting, how active the baby is in all the scans, etc.  some days I think about how this is my fourth pregnancy and all I know is failure so I should assume this one will end up like all the same.  Cautious optimism is hard.
The scary thing is I don't have any doctors appointments this week.  I've been released from my RE, had my initial appointment with my ob last week, she referred me to the high risk guy and tried to get me in this week but he's out of town.  So, I'll see him at 13w2d (last pregnancy it was at his office on 13w1d we found out the baby had died).  That's gonna be a stressful day.
In the mean time I'm going to enjoy that a little of my energy seems to have come back and sit hear and listen to the sweet sound of this little ones heartbeat.

So far so good

Today's appointment went great, s/he was doing cartwheels in here which was fun to watch.  I didn't get to see much of any movement during our last pregnancy so this was fascinating.  Dh couldn't go so he's pretty bummed he missed it but i fell in love all over again with our little 10w1d miracle.

I meet with my ob next week and probably the high risk guy a week or two after that.  In the mean time I think I'm gonna rent a hospital grade fetal heart rate monitor for in between appointments to help ease some of my worry.

Nerves

Tomorrow morning I get another look at our little one.  It's been two weeks.  Two weeks of rushing off to the bathroom several times a day to check for blood, analyzing symptoms and worrying when I don't feel both exhausted and nauseous.  On top of this I've been switched from PIO to crinone.  Apparently it's easier to monitor my progesterone levels better with crinone because it doesn't go in your bloodstream like PIO.  What they don't tell you is that it's gross.  I've done vaginal suppositories before but none of them have left behind what they call 'white globules' but really is something best described as cottage cheese.  Hubby is no longer asking when we're cleared for sex, poor guy doesn't want any part of this situation and I can't blame him.  I've never felt less sexy in my life.

I want more than anything for this to be worth it, for this to be the pregnancy that ends in a delivery room with a baby in my arms.  What I've learned from all this is that if its not, if this has the same sad tragic ending as other pregnancies, then God has other plans for us.  I can't put myself and my husband thru this again.

We are praying that tomorrow shows a healthy strong baby, if it does my sweet husband has agreed to rent a hospital grade fetal monitor so I can check for a heartbeat in between appointments.  Until then I'm going to think positive and pray that this is our take-home baby.

If any of y'all want to pray with me I'd appreciate it.

Sorry cat

Last pregnancy I had this amusing (now) experience involving getting sick on the way to work which resulted in being breathalyzed on the side of the road like a common drunk.  I think this time I've outdone myself.  I've been naseaus pretty much constantly lately but not really throwing up.  I thought I'd miss that particular joy this time around.
Every time I get pregnant my cat seems to sense it and starts spending a lot of time perched on my belly like a chicken tending her eggs.  She's not the cuddliest cat so I think it's sweet and enjoy these moments.  Today I came home from work exhausted and naseaus and, as usual, she climbed up on my lap for some bonding time with the baby.  Before I knew what was going on I got sick, all over myself, and all over my poor cat.
You know what you don't want to deal with right after throwing up?  A cat that is running around like a maniac with vomit dripping off it all over the house.  Then you have to immerse said cat (who isn't declawed) in the sink and pray she doesn't maul you to death while you hose off the remaining mess.  After that you get to clean up what she's strewn thruout the house before you can get in the shower because otherwise she'll track it all over the house while your in the shower.
So, we're both a little traumatized.  As she sits across the room still wet glaring at me I wonder if she'll ever make her way back onto my lap to bond with the baby again.  Hopefully I'll be able to laugh about this soon.  My husband missed it but I'm pretty sure he nearly wet himself laughing at my experience when I filled him in, he's still sitting on the other end of the couch giggling.

And we have ourselves a blueberry

Finally, after a wait that seemed like an eternity, we had our ultrasound this morning.  Our pregnancy has been uneventful thus far (except me running to the bathroom every 5 minutes to check for blood).  We've been trying to take this day-by-day and not get our hopes up but I go back and forth between convincing myself this is going to end like all the others and picturing our drive home from the hospital with a baby in the backseat.
What we found today was one healthy baby measuring right on target (I'm 6w6d and the baby measured 6w5d) with a heartbeat in the 130's.  we reviewed everything with our RE and after a little nudging from me (and our ultrasound tech) he's agreed to let me come back in next week for another scan.
We are cautiously optimistic and are simply focused on taking it week by week, but today was a good day.

California success

Sorry I've been MIA lately but I went to California before my transfer to visit a friend who  actually came with me for the transfer because hubby couldn't make it this time.  The transfer went great, we transferred two 5 day embryos, one 8 cell expanding and one 9 cell expanded, they did assisted hatching on the 8 cell. I flew home the same day and threw myself into work hoping to avoid obsessing about what was or wasn't going on in here.  By Saturday I broke down and got a positive.  I had betas Monday and today (Wednesday).  The first one (8dp5dt) came back at 173 (wow!) and the second one (10dp5dt) is 431 (super wow!).   This gives me a 36 hour doubling time which is great.
In a couple weeks I get an ultrasound and we find out how many babies are in there.
The theme of this pregnancy is cautious optimism.

And we wait

After a fun vacation in San Francisco with a friend I finally had my embryo transfer.  Last Sunday we transferred two grade 2 embryos, one 8-cell expanding blast that the embryologist did assisted hatching one and one 9-cell expanded blast.  Hubby couldn't be there which was a little sad but I have a great group of friends and the one who lives in the area came with me.  Today is 3 days past transfer, I'm trying to make it to Saturday before testing which is 6dpt, we'll see, I'm already starting to cave....  We've had so much failure and loss it's hard to believe its ever going to turn out differently.  I belong to an online group of women all using this clinic and our group is full of stories of fertility failure but once they find this clinic their dreams come true.  I'm hoping and praying this is our turn.

2nd Time Around

November and December leading up to our first transfer were frantic months for me.  Our clinic sends out a med schedule complete with screening appointment dates and estimated dates for our transfer.  I studied that piece of paper like my life depended on it.  I had my meds a full week before I needed them and got on the Internet and estimated what our due date would be based on different transfer dates.  It was always on the front of my mind.  When I had a question for the clinic I would be on pins and needles till they got back to me.  So many people in our world knew what we were doing and I usually couldn't go more than an hour without talking about it.
This time around I've been very mellow about the while thing.  I still worry about not getting pregnant or not staying pregnant but I'm not sweating the details this time.  I'm letting things play out how they're going to play out.  I've decided there's nothing that was different last time by me stressing out of every little detail.  So I take a few deep breaths and let it go.
This time hubby and I decided to keep the circle that knows what we are doing very small.  I have a small group of women who I'm very close with, these three women are almost family and we've been thru a lot together.  There's no way I could do this again without their support.  Hubby has also confided in a close friend of this about this but that's as big as the circle gets.  If we're lucky enough to get pregnant this time we're going to keep it to ourselves as long as we can.
Because I've tried to be low key about this transfer it didn't occur to me till today that the 4th of July is next week!  This is significant because our transfer window is 7/4 - 7/12.  With any luck sometime next week we'll get the call with our transfer date.  I can't believe we're here already, it always seemed like some far off date in my mind but now it's right around the corner.

Familiar space in my head

There's a few specific things that have to happen to prepare my body for transfer.  It started with a baseline ultrasound to make sure I don't have any cysts.  That was Thursday, first hurdle down.  I start the shots again Saturday.  After a couple weeks I have a lining check to make sure I'm making a cozy home for our embryos.  Then we wait for transfer, then pregnancy test, then pray the baby grows.
Before I knew how bad things could go I loved being pregnant.  I'm fascinated by the fact that I can grow a human being.  I wasn't super excited about the vomiting or stretch marks but I truly enjoyed the experience.  Now I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to feel joy until we have our baby in our arms.
I'm trying to take his step by step and not think too far ahead but after everything we've been thru its not that easy.

Terrified joy

We're all familiar with the expression 'nervous excitement' but what I got going on these days can't be minimized that way.  The thought of having a baby in my arms by this time next year fills me with joy but the thought of setting myself up for the same heartbreak we're still crawling out of right now is where the fear sets in.  We've been thru so much and have wanted this for so long that sometimes the doubt that we'll ever have our take home baby crawls out from the dark places in my head.  It fills me with a near paralyzing fear.  I try to stay focused on the goal and let myself fantasize about the delivery room, the nursery I'll decorate, that first time our sweet baby gets put in my arms and it pushes down that fear but it's only temporary.  Over a decade ago my sister delivered prematurity with devastating results.  When i got pregnant with my son the following year I thought 'our family has had our tragedy I'll be fine' only to suffer the same fate.  When hubby and I first started to ttc we got the news that his son from his first marriage died while serving our country.  Then we struggle for over 4  years to finally get pregnant only to lose the baby at 13 weeks.  As much as I want to believe that life can't be that cruel and this has to be our time I could have said that at any point in this journey and been justified.  All we know is loss.
So yes, I'm so excited that this could be our chance I'm simultaneously terrified I'm setting my sweet husband and I up for more heartbreak.

Here we go again

If we're being honest I was hoping that at the end of the month when matches are usually sent out by our clinic we'd receive a new match.  I know there's no guarantee and sometimes it can take a couple months but a match this month means meds next month and transfer in July.  This means we could be pregnant again by the time our due date from the last pregnancy rolls around at the end of August.  Emotionally I think this might cushion the blow of that day a little.  I know we can't replace our baby, nothing's going to do that but maybe new hope will take the edge off the sadness.  So, I was expecting to be stalking my email next week waiting for that magic email from the program coordinator,  what I wasn't expecting was to get that amazing email while sitting in 5 Guys with some coworkers at lunch today.
The profiles are wonderful and hubbies on board so come tomorrow I'll be sending in our acceptance form and start googling potential due dates for all the possible transfer dates in our calendar.
With hope we are moving forward.

May 12th is just another day, right?

I do quite a lot of shopping online.  I have a mild addiction to shoes, purses and sunglasses.  I get a lot of emails for sales, new items, etc.  My inbox is FULL of  mothers day stuff right now and every one of them stings.  I get a 5 minute mental reprieve from not focusing on this painful turn life has taken and glance at my email and it all comes flooding back.  Shopping used to be my oasis, a reprieve from our painful reality and now it's yet another place haunted by thoughts of what could have been, what should have been.
I'm really trying to tell myself that it's just another day but my heart is hurting right now.  I miss our baby.

Five possibilities

Depending on how you look at it there are a handful of reasons that could explain why our baby died.

You could say there is something physically wrong with me that testing to date hasn't identified.  This is my second 'late loss'. I was 22 weeks pregnant when my son was born in 1997.  He was born alive but passed away about an hour later due to his prematurity.

You could say the MTHFR mutations caused this.  My inability to process folic acid well could have caused a neural tube defect that caused the baby to die.

You could say that I wasn't producing enough progesterone naturally, the baby died within days of stopping the progesterone injections.

You could say there was a genetic issue with the baby

You could say we just had really really bad luck.

We can correct all but the first and the last reason.  They all sound like perfectly logical reasons but none of them are the obvious reason we were looking for.  Because of this we've decided to put our faith in our doctors and God and give this another try.  We've told our clinic we are ready to try again and are officially waiting for a match.  Please keep us in your prayers.

I don't do vague well

I was really hoping my RE would results from my bloodwork that showed some definite reason why we lost our baby and it would have a medicinal fix so we could go into another transfer with a little piece of mind.  We are still waiting the results from one test but the only thing we've found so far is two mutations of the MTHFR gene (that's a real thing, not me trying to curse in lolspeak).  Apparently about a third of the population has one or two of these mutations and they cause you to absorb folic acid badly.  Low folic acid can cause neural tube defects and if bad enough can end a pregnancy.  The fix is massive amounts of folic acid supplements when pregnant but my RE doesn't think this caused our loss.  He does suggest the supplements if we try again but it's not the smoking gun we were looking for.
He's also curious about the coincidental timing of me stopping PIO and the baby dying.  Everything I've seen has said by twelve weeks you body should be making so much progesterone that the amount you'd get thru shots is basically adding a quarter cup of water to a two gallon jug.  However, because the shots go in your muscle and are absorbed thru your bloodstream there's really no way of getting accurate lab results on what you are producing and what you are injecting.  He suggests doing shots for the first 12 weeks again and then switching to a vaginal suppository.  These allow the uterus to absorb the medicine directly, bypassing the bloodstream so they can monitor my progesterone levels thru bloodwork and see what I'm actually producing.  Again, not a smoking gun but a curious possibility.
So, unless this lab comes back with something significant we are left with vague lab results and a difficult decision.   I really want to know by the end of the week what we are doing. Its really hard to put something behind you when you don't yet know what's ahead.

You don't get it any I pray you never do

If you haven't been thru a loss here are some phrases that aren't helpful (some of these are actually offensive):

This is all part of gods plan
I know how you feel
Maybe this is a blessing and you just don't know why yet
You can have more kids
Why don't you just adopt
It just wasn't meant to be

When someone you care about loses a baby tell them you don't know what to say, tell them you are sorry for their loss, validate the existence of the little life that was lost and recognize that they are grieving that loss, not just the loss of a (seemingly replaceable) baby.

Answers are important

On tax day I go to my RE for blood work to get tested for various blood clotting disorders.  I've been doing a little Internet research and I'm really curious what the tests are going to show.  Some of the personal stories sound a lot like ours.  My ob has warned me not to get my hopes up on finding an answer to why this happened to us, that you only find out about half the time but an answer would make our decision on what's next a lot easier.
Regardless of how these tests turn out I more and more find myself thinking about our next transfer but hubby is very much on the fence. It's hard for him to watch me physically and emotionally on top of dealing with his own grief.  We've been trying to get pregnant for over four years now, he's watched me torture myself with tests and procedures to make this happen and when we finally get pregnant we make it all the way to 13 weeks only to have it just go away.  Not to mention I had some kind of reaction to the anesthesia which almost incapacitated me for two days and left me with severe muscle weakness and stiffness.
I've never hoped I had a disorder before but if we test positive for one or more of these blood clotting disorders there's medication to counter it and our decision and odds of actually bringing home a baby get so much better.
Any prayers you want to send our way while we wait for answers are, as always, appreciated.

It takes a village to get us a baby

A few days after we found out our baby had died I left a message with my fertility doctor's nurse telling her what had happened and that my ob would send over her notes when they were available.  Ididn't  think much of it at the time and was really shocked when my fertility doctor called me personally Friday to both tell me how sorry he was and discuss what comes next.  He wants me to come in after my body has had a little time to reset my hormones and get a blood test to rule out a clotting disorder.  If I test positive it could explain how we lost the baby, its apparently fairly unusual to lose a baby after you have a strong heartbeat.  If we can find an explanation our decision to try again gets a lot easier. Mid I test positive it means daily heparin injections but at this point I'm so used to shots I don't think that's a big deal.
We meet with our ob on Thursday then I'm going out of town with some friends for a much needed girls weekend but hopefully our decision about what's next will be made in the next couple weeks and we can start moving forward.

One week down

A week ago today we had the surgery to remove our baby after he or she lost their heartbeat.  I was so used to having the baby with me, inside me, feeling that tugging and pulling of my stretching uterus, of new life.  I feel so empty now, alone.  I still can't talk about it, every time I try to discuss it with someone close to me I start crying.  Hubby has been wonderful, this whole experience has reaffirmed that I married the right person but my heart is broken.  I am grieving for this baby.  Another baby isn't going to change that but I'm learning that this grief doesn't extinguish my desire to be a mom.
We have a post op appointment with my ob next week and we are going to ask for some brutally honest answers to questions about this pregnancy and its end. Depending on her answers I'm slowly beginning to open my mind to trying again

Nothing is going as planned

Everything about this week has been the exact opposite as I expected it to be.  My husband has been out of town since right after we got the devastating news about the baby.  I went to my ob on Tuesday and they got me scheduled for a d&c on Friday.  I spent most of mid-week grieving and coming to terms with what was happening to us and preparing myself for not having the baby inside me anymore.  Thursday afternoon I was unpacking some flowers FedEx dropped off when I started feeling off.  I went to the bathroom and had started bleeding.  My husband was on his was home and my ob advised we go to the ER worried that I may start hemmoraging.  By the time I got to the ER I was bleeding pretty bad so we ended up doing the surgery late last night instead of today like we planned.
I've known about this baby for a little over two months but I've been praying for him or her for years. To have it all go away like it did seems so cruel.  I don't know at this point if we have the strength to do this again, I can't even think about it right now because what I want more than anything isn't another child, its this one.

I was really looking forward to being your mom

Its been 2 days since we got the news that our baby was no longer living and it still seems like a horrible nightmare.  It doesn't make sense to me, we were so far along and our baby was measuring ahead this whole time, he or she seemed so strong.  I feel like we are being punished but I can't figure out what for.  Until we figure out how to cope with this we can't even start deciding what comes next.
Friday I have to have surgery to have the baby removed.  There's a part of me that knows I can't really move on until I'm no longer carrying the baby but this baby has been a part of me for months and I'm so sad to say goodbye.  I don't know how we are going to get thru the next few days.

And it all fell apart

For no reason other than some much needed self assurance due to my age and history we decided to also see a high risk ob during this pregnancy.  They don't deliver, just treat the pregnancy so you still see your normal ob but I wanted some reassurance because I've been so paranoid about very little twinge so far.  Our first appointment was this morning and I spent yesterday collecting our sad histories and copying medical records for them.  The first part of the appointment was a thorough ultrasound and pretty quickly I started to worry.  Our little peanut always measures a couple days ahead of where we actually are but today, when we are 13 weeks 1 day the baby only measured 12 weeks 3 days.  Then I started noticing the look on the ultrasound techs face.  With three little words my world fell apart "there's no heartbeat"
We're supposed to be safe at this point, I was due for a little reprieve from the constant fear, that was due to revisit around 22 weeks around the same time my son was born.  Not now, I wasn't supposed to have to worry now.  This is so completely unfair.  We did everything right, we gave up so much and sacrificed our retirement plans to pay for this baby.  I'm still waiting to hear if we are even eligible to try again (the first pregnancy to go past 12 weeks they have fulfilled their obligation, otherwise you get up to 3 transfers)
I don't even know if I want to try again, I can't imagine going thru all the meds and stress again right now.  Besides, I want this baby, not a baby.  I'm so devastated I don't even know how to process this. I just can't figure out why we are being punished.  there are crackheads in this city with 5 healthy kids and God takes ours?  Tell me how that makes sense.  I just want to wake up from this awful awful dream.

Just marking time

We go to our ob a week from today to get another look at out little kumquat (by then she'll be a fig). I feel like its been forever since we've seen him or her.  Not a whole lot has changed, my symptoms still come and go, I'm still bloated and tired, and my butt is still sore from the shots.  We have 13 shots left, then we'll be 12 weeks and I suppose I can exhale a little.  Because of my age and having lost a child to premature birth I don't think I'll ever really relax but I do want to enjoy this pregnancy and not spend the whole time worried.  I've started a private Pinterest board for nursery ideas and I bought my fist pair of maternity jeans since I've outgrown a lot of my pre-pregnancy clothes thanks to all the bloat.  Hubby and I have started talking about names, we've had our girl name for a while but can't find a boy name we both love.
Funny story... I got nauseous on the way to work so I pulled over.  It didnt pass so I opened my door to puke.  Apparently a cop saw me do this and stopped.  I tried to explain to the man (at 6:45 in the morning!) that I wasn't drunk, just pregnant but since I'm not really showing yet he didnt believe me and wouldn't let me leave until he breathalyzed me. I guess when your day starts like that its all uphill from there.

Yuck!

My food aversions seem to come and go, for a while I couldn't be anywhere near meat but now it's not a problem.  But, after yesterday I don't care how good it sounds I'm not eating guacamole again until after this baby comes.  Guacamole is the last thing in the world you want to throw up.
Hubby thinks this was hilarious by the way.....

8w4d

We had another follow up scan with our RE and met with the doctor.  We are 8weeks and 4 days pregnant and baby looks perfect.  He or she is actually measuring a day ahead of schedule and has a heart rate in the 180's which is awesome.  We've been released from our RE and are going to follow up with my ob/gyn.  She'll also do a referral to a high risk ob and we'll see them both.  As of right now I don't have another appointment until 2/5 but they are going to try to get me in sooner if they can.  I'm not sure I can go another 3 weeks without seeing our little raspberry.

Phew

We went back to our RE's office to make sure our remaining blueberry was continuing to progress and the loss of their sibling wasn't affecting him or her and the scan went great.  Our little one is measuring exactly where they should be and has a great heartbeat.  I compared last weeks pictures to this week and she seems so much bigger now.  Last week there was just this little sliver of person next to the yolk sac, now there's a tiny human there.  It's really incredible to see the progress.
There's still a little bit of fluid in my uterus so I'm hoping they'll let me go back next week for another look to make sure that's resolved (plus I want to see him again!) but I don't know if that's going to happen or if I have to wait till 10 weeks (boo!), we'll see.  For now I'm trying to put the scariness of last week behind me and focus on this little life.  It kinda felt like I held my breath for a week and yesterday I finally go to exhale.
Next week we grow from blueberry to raspberry :-)

Scary 24 hours

Our New Years started apart from each other because hubby had to work (boo!) it also started by learning our cat doesn't like fireworks and gunfire and will respond to both by sitting on your head when you're sound asleep.  Believe it or not, January 1 started a lot better than it ended.  I sent the hubby out to watch some football yesterday so I could get some rest because I've been battling a cold and the pregnancy already has me super sleepy. I woke up around 6 not feeling well, went to the bathroom and found my worst nightmare, blood, a lot of it.  I freaked out and called hubby to come take me to the ER.  Because I was scared I asked him to take me to the closest hospital which was a mistake, it's the downtown hospital and more suited to drug overdoses and schizophrenia than pregnancy problems.  By the time I got there I was bleeding really badly and they couldn't understand why I didn't want to sit in the waiting room.  It took 3 sticks and two nurses to get blood (one of whom wanted to talk about how her preacher told her and her fiancé they can't have sex until the marriage but she really didnt think she was gonna be able to do that, really lady?) I went off to ultrasound and was scanned by a tech who wouldn't tell me anything but spent 20 minutes scanning me.  I got taken back down to the emergency room and they tried to start an iv.  Two sticks later they had an iv line they could give me fluids with but couldn't get blood out of.  Twenty minutes later they needed more blood so I got stuck again (5th time) for that one.  The doctor came in after an excruciating hour and told us what the ultrasound showed was two embryos but on,y one was developing appropriately and had a heartbeat, plus I have developed a fibroid.  They called my local RE's office and the doctor on called told me he suspected we lost the twin and that the one that still had a heartbeat was a good sign but I needed to come in today for another ultrasound to see if the one baby was holding on.  I didn't get much sleep last night and spent a lot of time crying.  We went in this morning and had one of our favorite techs do our scan.  The one baby is still holding on, looking fabulous with perfect measurements and heartbeat and they don't see the other embryo at all now.  So, as of right now we are still pregnant with one of the babies and I'm taking the rest of the week off to rest.  I go in a week from today for a follow up ultrasound.  Hopefully by then the bleeding will stop (it has slowed WAY down) and the baby will be fine.
What a scary way to start the year.