1 in 8,900,000

We're back in the two week wait.  I'm not too confident about this cycle because our donor's counts were super low, 8.9 million (our last donor was had 60+ million, a lot of fresh counts are 100+ million).  This, combined with the low estrogen has this little voice in my head that says (don't get too excited, there's a lot going against you).  I know it only takes one but I don't need the hope crushing that comes with getting all excited and getting another bfn.
Manhattan Cryobank guarantees a count of 20 million so I'm going to call on Monday and find out what the process is for getting a refund.  If this cycle doesn't work I'm out a lot more than the cost of the vial/shipping but something tells me they aren't going to refund that. (I've also spent $250 on an ultrasound, $70 on bloodwork, $195 on the IUI and $203on the sperm prep on this cycle, but who's counting)
I think getting a new vial from the sperm bank may be enough reason for hubby to give this one more shot but it all depends on what they tell me when I call.  The nurse that did our IUI said they get counts like this all the time from sperm banks and that it absolutely can end in a bfp  so it's not like I've given up all together I'm just going to use all this as an excuse to not obsess about it for the next two weeks.
My parents will be here the weekend we find out if it worked so if it didn't that will be a good distration, in the mean time I've got one salad and one pie ready for my nieces easter feast tomorrow, got one pie left to go but every grocery store in the city seems to be out of key lime juice.

Enjoy the Possibility

Here we go again, had an ultrasound this morning, have two follicles on the right, none on the left.  Both follicles are in the low 20's which is great.  They called back early this afternoon to tell me that estrogen was at 160 (everything that I read says it should be at 400 with two follicles) I asked the nurse and she really didn't seem all that concerned about it so I'm just going to let it go.
So, tomorrow we go back for what will probably be our last IUI.  DH is really tired of this process and not happy with who I am when doped up on fertility meds and stressed out.  I'm trying not to think about what that means if this doesn't work but that's where we are.
So, for now I'm just going to try to keep myself busy, I know I say this every time but I really would like to not be crazy obsessive this time.  I'd like to just enjoy the possibility.
One last two week wait starting tomorrow, we'll see how it goes....

Will clean for karma

I have quite a bit of vacation time that is supposed to expire on the anniversary of my hire date at work in a couple months.  It's not practical for me to simply take two weeks off so the compromise is I am taking every Friday off for a while and they are rolling the remainder into next year.  Having an extra day off to obsess over all things baby isn't really in my best interest but neither is losing my vacation time.  So, I'm trying to fill that extra day with productive activities that will take my mind off this process.  This Friday I had a bunch of errands to run and planned to meet a friend for lunch.  Well, my errands were done by 11 and lunch was done before 2.  I got home and decided that sitting in front of this computer searching the internet for 3rd IUI success rates was not an efficient use of my time (plus I think I've read everything out there already).  Instead I decided to clean, I started in my bathroom and by the time I stopped I had cleaned/mopped/swept/vacuumed the entire house (except DH's restroom - I draw the line on scrubbing toilets I don't use).  I even did 5 loads of laundry and cleaned out the fridge.
Getting all that done is making the rest of the weekend drag on a bit.  DH and I got up early yesterday and went to the first farmers market of the season, got a couple groceries and I sent him out to play with his friends while I caught up on the happenings in Port Charles (thank God ABC didn't cancel General Hospital too!) I made a big fancy dinner and got rewarded by DH with a trip to the new frozen yogurt place for dessert.
So now it's not even noon on Sunday and I just got done reorganizing DH's closet (by type and color or course) and I'm trying to figure out if a Costco run is necessary or just me trying to fill time.
I did find out yesterday that I won't have any trouble filling my time the entire month of June.  I've been selected for federal jury duty so I have to call every night after 5 to see if I have to be there the next day.  How the heck am I supposed to keep work appointments with this hanging over my head?  Why couldn't this have happened while we were TTC, at least then I'd be distracted.  We'll already be pregnant in June (I'm staying positive) and will no longer need this distraction.

Law of Averages

The law of averages says that if you swing at enough balls, sooner or later you'll hit one.  Let's hope the same can be said for baby making because DH is nearing the end of his rope.  The last couple of weeks have almost been 'normal' for us.  We didn't get to insem this cycle because of the estrogen problem and it looked like I ovulated early so things have been pretty drama free in our house.
I am not someone my friends would describe as laid-back.  I'm high strung and a worrier by nature.  Just imagine what a treat I am when hopped up on baby making hormones.  (After going thru all this I'm pretty sure DH will never leave me.)  When the hormones start raging I can see myself bring the crazy, I just can't stop it.  The closer we get to next cycle the more DH starts talking about putting project baby on indefinite hold if this cycle doesn't get us a bfp.  I know he's frustrated, I'm frustrated too but as hard as it is for me I have the love and support of a man that isn't a hot mess of hormones.  He gets the short end of the stick every cycle.
I can't let myself think about giving up on becoming a mother.  Every time I try to get my head and heart ready for that idea it ends in tears.  I don't really respond when he makes these comments, I know he's trying to gently prepare me for the idea but I just can't deal with it.  I have to go into every cycle knowing that this is going to be the one that works, I have to be positive.  I know it's selfish and probably harder on our marriage than it should be but I just have to hope that we'll get our baby this next cycle and all this worry will be for nothing.  After all, that law of averages has us due for a win soon, right?

Tick Tock

I don't think I've ever been so excited to get my period before.  Seriously, only a TTC woman looks forward to AF.  If my mood today is any indication, she's coming.  I've been struggling for a while with some of the choices the powers that be at the architecture firm I work at have made.  The economy has made it pretty rough for a lot of architecture firms but I'm feeling pretty taken advantage of.  Today, I had to stand up for myself to one of the owners which usually isn't a problem for me but I got so worked up I had to walk away or I was gonna burst into tears right in front of this guy.    If I didn't need the insurance I'd be gone.
In the meantime DH has dropped a few subtle hints that he may want to put this baby project on indefinite hold if this cycle doesn't work (no pressure, right?) & a cousin who I'm very close to just got pregnant so I feel like my biological clock is in overdrive.
I'm really trying to get into a Zen space about this cycle but so far I'm failing miserably.

Two Jack Asses Make a Fox

I'm instantly addicted to Bravo's new reality series Pregnant in Heels.  It was supposed to premiere tonight but for some strange reason it aired last night when Bethenney Ever After (guilty pleasure) was scheduled to be on.  The show is about this woman, Rosie, who is a 'Maternity Concierge'.  She caters to the needs of neurotic moms to be in Manhattan.  Ironically she's struggling with infertility herself.
I figured out pretty quickly the moms are gonna be annoying in this egotistical, narcissistic, self important kind of way. (Example, one couple on the first episode needed a focus group and a dinner party to select their baby's name and ultimately selected the name that both groups panned)
The family that really over did it were the other couple in this episode.  This woman is 36 weeks pregnant and their nursery still has a guest bed in it and the crib is in a box in the corner.  Nothing is ready, nothing has been bought.  Rosie asked this woman straight out if she had bonded with her baby yet and without hesitation she reply's "no".  WTF?  I was ready to reach thru the tv and smack her.  To top it all off they name this poor child Fox.  Unfortunately, this is just the first in a series of massive disappointments for young Fox.
Some people shouldn't breed.

Filling Time

When you spend your time taking meds, going to appointments, scouring sperm banks for possible donors, taking you temperature, reducing your caffeine intake, searching the internet for ladies on the same schedule and/or med protocol as you, and over analyzing every little 'twinge' you feel for the two week wait it kinda fills your day.  Forget being a model employee, you're lucky to get thru infertility treatments with a job.  I work in a creative field and I'm barely meeting deadlines much less producing anything inspired.  So, when circumstances make you take a break, even for a couple weeks you suddenly find yourself with a lot of time on your hands.  Stress makes me clean and infertility treatments made us poor so filling my day with an already clean house and not a lot of spending money has been interesting.
I now have the most highly organized closet on the block.  When I wasn't spending all our money on infertility I was spending it on clothes, shoes and purses.  All these things are now organized in a way deserving of them and I'm proud.  Shoes, stored neatly in their boxes sorted by knee high boots, booties, closed toed heels, sandals, open toed heels and flats.  Shirts sorted by both color and sleeve length, pants by color, capris by color, skirts by color and dresses by, you guessed it, color.  Sweaters are neatly folded and sorted on the shelf above the hanging shirts.  Purses organized by style and color on the shelf above the pants.  Bookends help keep the slouchier bags standing.  For the big hobo style bags I purchased hooks that DH swears he's going to attach to the wall sometime today for them to hang from.
Who knew organizing the clothes that stress eating and fertility drugs made too small could bring me so much joy.