Proof

I read an article yesterday about a three year old boy who was murdered by his father for wetting his pants. This is another painful example of proof that God has nothing to do with making babies. I believe in God, He's a big part of how I choose to live my life but there are two places where God doesn't apply: politics and who gets to be a parent. If God was involved in making babies He wouldn't have peaked a women's fertility at 16. Rapists and child molesters would be infertile (and impotent). Women with addictions wouldn't get pregnant. I could give you a million more examples of this proof but you all know what I'm talking about. And this is exactly what I told the last person who told me to 'pray on it' after learning about our fertility struggle.

Blessings

One of my closest friends got engaged recently. We're a group of four, spread across the country, we spend a lot of time on Skype and they're the kind of girls who, when something happens to one of us it happens to all of us. We've laughed together, grieved together, cried together, celebrated together, you name it and we've done it. We've been thru marriages, babies, death of parents, personal crisis', and much, much more. When I had my breast cancer scare they descended on me and propped me up thru the whole thing. They sent care packages nearly daily, one them even made a card by taping two pink party plates together and drew nipples on them so they looked like boobs. They've listened to me go on and on about trying to get pregnant, get excited every cycle and help me thru the disappointment of another BFN. We planned a girls weekend to check out where she wanted to get married and have some fun. We had a blast, drank too much champagne and stayed up too late talking. I came back recharged and feeling whole again. I wonder sometimes about people who don't have that core group of friends, those people who would walk thru fire for you. These women are amazing and I'm a better person having them in my life. I'm blessed with so many things, one of them is having them in my life. That weekend left me energized and ready to face this again. I think next cycle will be our next and last iui.

One Way Or Another

After a little baby makin vaca we're back. Sometime in the next cycle or two we're gonna try one more IUI with super-ovulation. If this one doesn't work we're moving on. We'll either do IVF or adoption. Not sure how we'll find the money but we'll make it work. I want to carry our child, I lost a little boy prematurely and felt like I failed as a woman. I want to carry a baby to term, I want the experience but we can't keep doing this indefinitely. DH has such a good heart and didn't hesitate when I brought the idea of using donor sperm, he will love our child with his whole heart, regardless of biology. If we ultimately decide to move ahead with adoption I know I'll love him or her like I would a child I carried, it's not about that, the biology of it is a non-issue to me. It's the experience. I've been fascinated by pregnancy since I learned where babies came from. The idea that you can grow another human being inside you is simply amazing. More than all that I want to be a mom. Add into that how exhausted we both are of this whole process I think this next iui will be out last. We'll either adopt or move onto IVF. But for now, we'll probably start shots again in a few weeks and gear up for one more try.

Baby Staycation

Sorry for going radio silent but we've been on a bit of a break lately. Weve been talking about what's next and have a plan. (I believe we're at plan M not but who's counting) we have one sample left (we bought two vials last time), we have 3 300 unit vials of gonal f/follistim so we'll probably try to get one more (praying our RE has one!) and we have all but about $400 of what it would take to cover the costs of the monitoring and iui. So, financially we're good for one more cycle. After that, we're out of meds, cafeteria money and donor sperm. A fully out of pocket super ov cycle would cost between $3000 and $3500 all in which would take some planning. I don't even know if our RE would let us do a third round so it may be more than the financial implications at that point. Long story short hubby and I had a talk about all this and he wants to do this last cycle sometime in the next couple of months and if it doesn't work he wants to take several months off. He's tired of living and dying by my fertility cycle. He needs a break and I need to respect that. I think, if we don't get pregnant this time we'll probably be out until the holidays. I'm at peace with this for two reasons: he's put up with so much for me, I need to give him this and two: I've been working on putting my resume and portfolio together and have my eye one a couple architecture firms in Chicago which means fertility coverage from our insurance which means ivf. In the mean time I need to figure out when the right time is to do this next/last iui cycle. We have several weddings and a reunion coming up some committing to a cycle in the midst of a lot of travel is gonna be a challenge.

A giant step backwards

Not being able to TTC leaves a lot of empty time in my brain. I'm the kind of person that needs a project, someone who does do well without something occupying my time. Since we aren't TTC this cycle I've spent a lot of time doing alot of the Pinterest projects I've pinned. I've also been spending a lot of time watching the republican politicians try to out conservative each other and find a way to make their government so small it will fit inside my uterus. I don't usually wade into this stuff, I don't think I ever have on my blog before but what's going on now is dangerous.
I believe in pluralism, I think it's the key to what makes us so great. The simple idea that not only is it ok to have different ideas, it's celebrated. We're supposed to embrace our differences not vilify they. I don't have a problem with politicians, I don't have much use for them since they seldom accomplish anything and all of them seem to be more concerned with vanity and divisiveness that the individuals they are supposed to be representing but I don't have a problem with them. Until now. What these old men are talking about is a GIANT step backwards for women. Several states have legislation pending right now that would remove, limit, or severely impair a woman's right to IVF. These same bills would severly restrict the options of what can be done with remaining embryos after IVF.
These 'personhood' amendments are, in my opinion Act One of the assult on womanhood. You don't need to have experience with infertility to know that limiting choice thru law is not small government, it's anti-women. I have beliefs based on my faith and my morals and guess what, I think those beliefs are guidelines on how I live my life, not justification for imposing myself on others. Religion shouldn't be used as a weapon. I suggest you go to resolve.org and see if you live in a state with some of this pending legislation and remember, if you don't say anything against it you are effectively supporting it.

Nope

It's true, bad things come in three's. My three are: we had a car accident (everyone's fine, but the car... Not so much), my sister's in the hospital, and I'm not pregnant (again). My RE is making have a 'rest cycle' so I'm out till late April but that's ok, I need a little time to be a wife, sister, friend, daughter and not have my every thought go to babies.

I picked a really bad time to give up alcohol for lent....

I'm weak!

Today marks 7dpiui and I'm going a little crazy. I don't know why but it never fails, my willpower crumbles right about now. True to form, I'm at it again. I spent my allotted hour of crazy googling to searching 8dpo accuracy odds. I told myself that Saturday (12dpo) would be the day I'd test and it was easy to stick to that last week but it's gonna be a llllooooooonnnnnggggggg week. I argue with myself 'but what if a test would already show positive now, you're just torturing yourself extra days for no reason' yeah it ain't logical but the devil in my brain is loud and convincing.
I've been having crazy vivid dreams lately and achy, swollen boobs, im sleeping like narcolepsy girl and have had a headache since last friday but I wouldn't read much into it, I've already looked into it and these are all thanks to the progesterone suppositories I've been taking any not likely bfp symptoms. It seems cruel to give a TTC lady something that will make her feel pregnant but whatever, I guess even if I didn't have to take the progesterone my head would give me phantom symptoms to screw with me. At least this way I can blame my RE.