Not Pregnant - Again

I don't know why but my body is failing me at the one thing I want more than anything. I'm supposed to be focusing right now, I'm taking an 8 hour test tomorrow but instead I'm laying in bed with the flu feeling sorry for myself. I feel like a complete failure and like I have completely disappointed my poor husband who, bless him, has tolerated the baby crazies pretty well for the 3 years we've been on this path. I know he's tired and I know he'd be disappointed but ok if we stopped trying. He wants a baby but doesn't have the same drive as me, it's like he wants this but I need it, that's the best way I can explain it. But because he knows how I feel he's ok with continuing to dose me with hormones (which makes me a real treat btw), go in and out of doctors offices and spend every dime on making this happen. I love him for that and I'm so ashamed of my body for letting that wonderful man down again, he deserves better than this.
Both of us have buried children. I lost my premature infant son in '97, he lost his 18 yo son while serving our country two years ago. We are both uniquely aware of what a blessing children are. I wish I knew why God chose to make this such a challenge for us. Thinking about that and how some people, especially those who are so ungrateful and unprepared, seem to get pregnant so easily makes me bitter. I try not to dwell on it but, come on, you've all seen them, babies having babies, women who leave their kids in the car while they go in the mall to shop, people who can barely keep a roof over their head much less afford diapers. These are the thoughts that fester. I try not to let myself go there, especially since it only ends with more frustration but today, thats the place I'm trying to crawl out of. I want to walk thru life with the calm dignity that comes from knowing that it's going to happen but I can't get there right now, right now I'm angry, hurt, disappointed, and consumed by this nagging panic that maybe, just maybe, this is never going to happen. There i said it.

Hmmmm

Because 'things going right' and 'trying to get pregnant' don't seem to go together in my life I had yet another WTF moment this time. We went in for the IUI only to be told our donors counts were super low, almost as bad as that awful vial from Manhattan Cryobank. They told me the count was 9.8 million with a 33% motility. This is the same donor that had given us 80 million with 60% motility in the past. I was ready to start crying right there.
I called Midwest yesterday and explained the situation - they were as shocked as I was. They agreed to get ahold of my RE's office and figure it out. Unlike manhattan cryo I didnt have to keep calling and wait three weeks only to be told they weren't going to honor their guarantee because they had some made up clause they never told me about and wasn't on their website. They think (and I hope) that sperm takes a few minutes to 'perk up' after being thawed and that by the time we did the IUI the counts were actually quite a bit higher, around 20 million. We decided to see how the cycle plays out and figure it out from there.
So, we're back in a confusing holding pattern and praying for the best. In the mean time my exam is a week from Friday and I'm far from prepared so I'm just going to focus on that for now.

Last IUI of 2011

We're back at it again.  We are scheduled for an IUI tomorrow morning.  We were a little rusty and if you could see the bruises I have you'd be shocked.  I have two 2" bruises on my belly that are so purple they are nearly black.  It's pretty gnarly but it doesn't hurt so I just look at them as battle scars.  My RE moved so we got switched to a different doctor within the practice, I haven't met him yet but his protocol is a little different and I'm trying to roll with it like it's a good thing.  It's easier to do when you realize what we've been doing wasn't working but I have these little panic attacks that he's waiting too long and I'm going to miss my O.  I have short cycles.  My protocol has always been Femara CD 3-7, 75 IU of Gonal F on CD 5, 7 & 9, go in for ultrasound on CD10 and wait for instructions which are always to give myself the Ovidrel shot and come in the next morning for the IUI.  This time everything was the same except instead of coming in for the IUI on CD11, I'm going in tomorrow on CD12.  We'll see.

I don't know what's going to happen - as much as I want to declare 'this is the one' I'm exhausted.  It's heartbreaking to convince myself time and time again that we're finally pregnant only to see that damn single line on the HPT.  I'm turning it over to God.  I'm not sure why he's chosen this challenge for us but I'd determined to face it with a little more grace then I've been offering in the past.

We had set aside the limit of what we could put into a cafeteria (tax free) plan at the beginning of the year.  At the start of this cycle there was $200 left in that account and we've payed the rest of it out of pocket.  This ended up being quite a lot because our insurance didn't cover a couple of things they told us they would so we started out the cycle with a balance due.  Luckily, we've been focusing on getting our savings account in good shape again and we were prepared for this but given that the holidays are coming up we made the decision as a couple that if this isn't our cycle we're going to start fresh in January.  A year ago I would have been panicked at this idea.  This time, I'm ok.  I want more than anything to be a mom but making myself crazy isn't helping.  I'm done scouring the internet for IUI success rates, besides, I think I've read it all.

I also have the distraction of my licensing exam in two weeks.  It's not a cheap test and it's only offered twice a year so if I don't pass I'm out a bunch of money and can't take it again for 6 months so I don't have the luxury of spending every waking minute analyzing twinges.

So, here's hoping that this is the one.  The inner strength I've found with prayer and my elliptical machine are definitely lessening the crazy which already makes me feel closer to the goal.

Last AF for a while (I hope!)

We ordered our swim team last week, they are going to ship it out this Wednesday to my doctors office. If my thyroid levels have righted themselves (I got a little off track with my meds after the surgery) we are good to go for this cycle, if not, we'll wait a month. I should find out tomorrow if we are moving ahead with this cycle. This month has a lot going on which is good. That means if we do try I can't sit on my couch analyzing every twinge and begging god for a bfp. The bad side is I have to figure out how to discreetly travel with some coworkers and my fertility shots. I've already googled it and I can take them no problem but I have to take them out and let the tsp agents inspect them.
It's been a while since we've done this, I'm hoping that my months away have gotten me out of the baby crazy space I was in and that the last 6 weeks on my elliptical machine has made my body stronger, more ready for this adventure.
In the mean time I'm taking my licensing exam at the end of the month. Studying for it is a welcome distraction, something I should probably get back to now.