Nothing is going as planned

Everything about this week has been the exact opposite as I expected it to be.  My husband has been out of town since right after we got the devastating news about the baby.  I went to my ob on Tuesday and they got me scheduled for a d&c on Friday.  I spent most of mid-week grieving and coming to terms with what was happening to us and preparing myself for not having the baby inside me anymore.  Thursday afternoon I was unpacking some flowers FedEx dropped off when I started feeling off.  I went to the bathroom and had started bleeding.  My husband was on his was home and my ob advised we go to the ER worried that I may start hemmoraging.  By the time I got to the ER I was bleeding pretty bad so we ended up doing the surgery late last night instead of today like we planned.
I've known about this baby for a little over two months but I've been praying for him or her for years. To have it all go away like it did seems so cruel.  I don't know at this point if we have the strength to do this again, I can't even think about it right now because what I want more than anything isn't another child, its this one.

I was really looking forward to being your mom

Its been 2 days since we got the news that our baby was no longer living and it still seems like a horrible nightmare.  It doesn't make sense to me, we were so far along and our baby was measuring ahead this whole time, he or she seemed so strong.  I feel like we are being punished but I can't figure out what for.  Until we figure out how to cope with this we can't even start deciding what comes next.
Friday I have to have surgery to have the baby removed.  There's a part of me that knows I can't really move on until I'm no longer carrying the baby but this baby has been a part of me for months and I'm so sad to say goodbye.  I don't know how we are going to get thru the next few days.

And it all fell apart

For no reason other than some much needed self assurance due to my age and history we decided to also see a high risk ob during this pregnancy.  They don't deliver, just treat the pregnancy so you still see your normal ob but I wanted some reassurance because I've been so paranoid about very little twinge so far.  Our first appointment was this morning and I spent yesterday collecting our sad histories and copying medical records for them.  The first part of the appointment was a thorough ultrasound and pretty quickly I started to worry.  Our little peanut always measures a couple days ahead of where we actually are but today, when we are 13 weeks 1 day the baby only measured 12 weeks 3 days.  Then I started noticing the look on the ultrasound techs face.  With three little words my world fell apart "there's no heartbeat"
We're supposed to be safe at this point, I was due for a little reprieve from the constant fear, that was due to revisit around 22 weeks around the same time my son was born.  Not now, I wasn't supposed to have to worry now.  This is so completely unfair.  We did everything right, we gave up so much and sacrificed our retirement plans to pay for this baby.  I'm still waiting to hear if we are even eligible to try again (the first pregnancy to go past 12 weeks they have fulfilled their obligation, otherwise you get up to 3 transfers)
I don't even know if I want to try again, I can't imagine going thru all the meds and stress again right now.  Besides, I want this baby, not a baby.  I'm so devastated I don't even know how to process this. I just can't figure out why we are being punished.  there are crackheads in this city with 5 healthy kids and God takes ours?  Tell me how that makes sense.  I just want to wake up from this awful awful dream.

Just marking time

We go to our ob a week from today to get another look at out little kumquat (by then she'll be a fig). I feel like its been forever since we've seen him or her.  Not a whole lot has changed, my symptoms still come and go, I'm still bloated and tired, and my butt is still sore from the shots.  We have 13 shots left, then we'll be 12 weeks and I suppose I can exhale a little.  Because of my age and having lost a child to premature birth I don't think I'll ever really relax but I do want to enjoy this pregnancy and not spend the whole time worried.  I've started a private Pinterest board for nursery ideas and I bought my fist pair of maternity jeans since I've outgrown a lot of my pre-pregnancy clothes thanks to all the bloat.  Hubby and I have started talking about names, we've had our girl name for a while but can't find a boy name we both love.
Funny story... I got nauseous on the way to work so I pulled over.  It didnt pass so I opened my door to puke.  Apparently a cop saw me do this and stopped.  I tried to explain to the man (at 6:45 in the morning!) that I wasn't drunk, just pregnant but since I'm not really showing yet he didnt believe me and wouldn't let me leave until he breathalyzed me. I guess when your day starts like that its all uphill from there.

Yuck!

My food aversions seem to come and go, for a while I couldn't be anywhere near meat but now it's not a problem.  But, after yesterday I don't care how good it sounds I'm not eating guacamole again until after this baby comes.  Guacamole is the last thing in the world you want to throw up.
Hubby thinks this was hilarious by the way.....

8w4d

We had another follow up scan with our RE and met with the doctor.  We are 8weeks and 4 days pregnant and baby looks perfect.  He or she is actually measuring a day ahead of schedule and has a heart rate in the 180's which is awesome.  We've been released from our RE and are going to follow up with my ob/gyn.  She'll also do a referral to a high risk ob and we'll see them both.  As of right now I don't have another appointment until 2/5 but they are going to try to get me in sooner if they can.  I'm not sure I can go another 3 weeks without seeing our little raspberry.

Phew

We went back to our RE's office to make sure our remaining blueberry was continuing to progress and the loss of their sibling wasn't affecting him or her and the scan went great.  Our little one is measuring exactly where they should be and has a great heartbeat.  I compared last weeks pictures to this week and she seems so much bigger now.  Last week there was just this little sliver of person next to the yolk sac, now there's a tiny human there.  It's really incredible to see the progress.
There's still a little bit of fluid in my uterus so I'm hoping they'll let me go back next week for another look to make sure that's resolved (plus I want to see him again!) but I don't know if that's going to happen or if I have to wait till 10 weeks (boo!), we'll see.  For now I'm trying to put the scariness of last week behind me and focus on this little life.  It kinda felt like I held my breath for a week and yesterday I finally go to exhale.
Next week we grow from blueberry to raspberry :-)