Answers are important

On tax day I go to my RE for blood work to get tested for various blood clotting disorders.  I've been doing a little Internet research and I'm really curious what the tests are going to show.  Some of the personal stories sound a lot like ours.  My ob has warned me not to get my hopes up on finding an answer to why this happened to us, that you only find out about half the time but an answer would make our decision on what's next a lot easier.
Regardless of how these tests turn out I more and more find myself thinking about our next transfer but hubby is very much on the fence. It's hard for him to watch me physically and emotionally on top of dealing with his own grief.  We've been trying to get pregnant for over four years now, he's watched me torture myself with tests and procedures to make this happen and when we finally get pregnant we make it all the way to 13 weeks only to have it just go away.  Not to mention I had some kind of reaction to the anesthesia which almost incapacitated me for two days and left me with severe muscle weakness and stiffness.
I've never hoped I had a disorder before but if we test positive for one or more of these blood clotting disorders there's medication to counter it and our decision and odds of actually bringing home a baby get so much better.
Any prayers you want to send our way while we wait for answers are, as always, appreciated.

It takes a village to get us a baby

A few days after we found out our baby had died I left a message with my fertility doctor's nurse telling her what had happened and that my ob would send over her notes when they were available.  Ididn't  think much of it at the time and was really shocked when my fertility doctor called me personally Friday to both tell me how sorry he was and discuss what comes next.  He wants me to come in after my body has had a little time to reset my hormones and get a blood test to rule out a clotting disorder.  If I test positive it could explain how we lost the baby, its apparently fairly unusual to lose a baby after you have a strong heartbeat.  If we can find an explanation our decision to try again gets a lot easier. Mid I test positive it means daily heparin injections but at this point I'm so used to shots I don't think that's a big deal.
We meet with our ob on Thursday then I'm going out of town with some friends for a much needed girls weekend but hopefully our decision about what's next will be made in the next couple weeks and we can start moving forward.

One week down

A week ago today we had the surgery to remove our baby after he or she lost their heartbeat.  I was so used to having the baby with me, inside me, feeling that tugging and pulling of my stretching uterus, of new life.  I feel so empty now, alone.  I still can't talk about it, every time I try to discuss it with someone close to me I start crying.  Hubby has been wonderful, this whole experience has reaffirmed that I married the right person but my heart is broken.  I am grieving for this baby.  Another baby isn't going to change that but I'm learning that this grief doesn't extinguish my desire to be a mom.
We have a post op appointment with my ob next week and we are going to ask for some brutally honest answers to questions about this pregnancy and its end. Depending on her answers I'm slowly beginning to open my mind to trying again