2nd Time Around

November and December leading up to our first transfer were frantic months for me.  Our clinic sends out a med schedule complete with screening appointment dates and estimated dates for our transfer.  I studied that piece of paper like my life depended on it.  I had my meds a full week before I needed them and got on the Internet and estimated what our due date would be based on different transfer dates.  It was always on the front of my mind.  When I had a question for the clinic I would be on pins and needles till they got back to me.  So many people in our world knew what we were doing and I usually couldn't go more than an hour without talking about it.
This time around I've been very mellow about the while thing.  I still worry about not getting pregnant or not staying pregnant but I'm not sweating the details this time.  I'm letting things play out how they're going to play out.  I've decided there's nothing that was different last time by me stressing out of every little detail.  So I take a few deep breaths and let it go.
This time hubby and I decided to keep the circle that knows what we are doing very small.  I have a small group of women who I'm very close with, these three women are almost family and we've been thru a lot together.  There's no way I could do this again without their support.  Hubby has also confided in a close friend of this about this but that's as big as the circle gets.  If we're lucky enough to get pregnant this time we're going to keep it to ourselves as long as we can.
Because I've tried to be low key about this transfer it didn't occur to me till today that the 4th of July is next week!  This is significant because our transfer window is 7/4 - 7/12.  With any luck sometime next week we'll get the call with our transfer date.  I can't believe we're here already, it always seemed like some far off date in my mind but now it's right around the corner.

Familiar space in my head

There's a few specific things that have to happen to prepare my body for transfer.  It started with a baseline ultrasound to make sure I don't have any cysts.  That was Thursday, first hurdle down.  I start the shots again Saturday.  After a couple weeks I have a lining check to make sure I'm making a cozy home for our embryos.  Then we wait for transfer, then pregnancy test, then pray the baby grows.
Before I knew how bad things could go I loved being pregnant.  I'm fascinated by the fact that I can grow a human being.  I wasn't super excited about the vomiting or stretch marks but I truly enjoyed the experience.  Now I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to feel joy until we have our baby in our arms.
I'm trying to take his step by step and not think too far ahead but after everything we've been thru its not that easy.