Nothing is going as planned

Everything about this week has been the exact opposite as I expected it to be.  My husband has been out of town since right after we got the devastating news about the baby.  I went to my ob on Tuesday and they got me scheduled for a d&c on Friday.  I spent most of mid-week grieving and coming to terms with what was happening to us and preparing myself for not having the baby inside me anymore.  Thursday afternoon I was unpacking some flowers FedEx dropped off when I started feeling off.  I went to the bathroom and had started bleeding.  My husband was on his was home and my ob advised we go to the ER worried that I may start hemmoraging.  By the time I got to the ER I was bleeding pretty bad so we ended up doing the surgery late last night instead of today like we planned.
I've known about this baby for a little over two months but I've been praying for him or her for years. To have it all go away like it did seems so cruel.  I don't know at this point if we have the strength to do this again, I can't even think about it right now because what I want more than anything isn't another child, its this one.

I was really looking forward to being your mom

Its been 2 days since we got the news that our baby was no longer living and it still seems like a horrible nightmare.  It doesn't make sense to me, we were so far along and our baby was measuring ahead this whole time, he or she seemed so strong.  I feel like we are being punished but I can't figure out what for.  Until we figure out how to cope with this we can't even start deciding what comes next.
Friday I have to have surgery to have the baby removed.  There's a part of me that knows I can't really move on until I'm no longer carrying the baby but this baby has been a part of me for months and I'm so sad to say goodbye.  I don't know how we are going to get thru the next few days.

And it all fell apart

For no reason other than some much needed self assurance due to my age and history we decided to also see a high risk ob during this pregnancy.  They don't deliver, just treat the pregnancy so you still see your normal ob but I wanted some reassurance because I've been so paranoid about very little twinge so far.  Our first appointment was this morning and I spent yesterday collecting our sad histories and copying medical records for them.  The first part of the appointment was a thorough ultrasound and pretty quickly I started to worry.  Our little peanut always measures a couple days ahead of where we actually are but today, when we are 13 weeks 1 day the baby only measured 12 weeks 3 days.  Then I started noticing the look on the ultrasound techs face.  With three little words my world fell apart "there's no heartbeat"
We're supposed to be safe at this point, I was due for a little reprieve from the constant fear, that was due to revisit around 22 weeks around the same time my son was born.  Not now, I wasn't supposed to have to worry now.  This is so completely unfair.  We did everything right, we gave up so much and sacrificed our retirement plans to pay for this baby.  I'm still waiting to hear if we are even eligible to try again (the first pregnancy to go past 12 weeks they have fulfilled their obligation, otherwise you get up to 3 transfers)
I don't even know if I want to try again, I can't imagine going thru all the meds and stress again right now.  Besides, I want this baby, not a baby.  I'm so devastated I don't even know how to process this. I just can't figure out why we are being punished.  there are crackheads in this city with 5 healthy kids and God takes ours?  Tell me how that makes sense.  I just want to wake up from this awful awful dream.