9 days and counting

I'm 9dpiui today and am trying to make it till Thusday to test, it's 12dpiui and our wedding anniversary.  It's been three and a half years we've been doing this and between home and the doctor we've probably had 20 two week waits.  I feel like this is something we do every once and a while to waste some money and I have no expectation it will turn out any differently than any of the others.  I don't know if it's my brains way of preparing my heart for another painful disappointment but I'm already assuming we're gonna get another bfn.  Maybe thats pessimistic but if history is any indication....
In the mean time I get to contend with all the bfp symptoms that come with the trigger and progesterone, lucky me.

Baby making on the down low

Ive got a secret. The only person we've told is my sister because of a logistical issue but we're trying again. I have a baseline ultrasound in the morning and meds start on Sunday. If all goes well I'll be able to tell my husband we're pregnant on our anniversary. We've always been very open about what we're doing and when but it adds a lot of unnecessary pressure to an already stressful situation and that's easily avoidable. So this time we are keeping it to ourselves. I feel bad not being completely honest with people but this try is already pretty stressful. This is probably our last iui. After this try we will have exhausted both our pre-tax money and our meds. If its meant to be this will be all we need. If not, we'll move on to either adoption or ivf. But for now I'm going to keep myself in a positive place and turn it over to fate.

Proof

I read an article yesterday about a three year old boy who was murdered by his father for wetting his pants. This is another painful example of proof that God has nothing to do with making babies. I believe in God, He's a big part of how I choose to live my life but there are two places where God doesn't apply: politics and who gets to be a parent. If God was involved in making babies He wouldn't have peaked a women's fertility at 16. Rapists and child molesters would be infertile (and impotent). Women with addictions wouldn't get pregnant. I could give you a million more examples of this proof but you all know what I'm talking about. And this is exactly what I told the last person who told me to 'pray on it' after learning about our fertility struggle.