Who Cares How You Get There???

I've had a couple of blunt conversations with loved ones in my life about this new option we are pursuing.  Most people have never heard the term 'donor embryo' before and have to be brought up to speed on where they come from.  Of the half dozen or so people I've shared this with the majority have been super supportive and excited about the idea.  I did have one person who, in retrospect, was only asking the frank questions I rely on my friends for, the ones that force me to examine my own intentions but at the time I could feel myself getting defensive and angry.  But there was one woman who took me completely by surprise.  I've always found her to be a little judgmental and I think her opinions are largely driven by whoever explained 'their side' of the issue first rather than any genuine introspective thought process but her reaction to our news took me completely by surprise.  "aren't you worried that you'll get the bad eggs since the bio-mom used the best ones?". "how are you going to explain what you did to your future kid?  They aren't technically adopted but they aren't genetically yours either?" "Do you think you'll bond the same way with someone else's baby growing inside you?". It went on and on. It helps to know she has three beautiful girls, all of whom were planned for and none of whom did she have to struggle to get so she has no personal frame of reference for this journey but still, I felt like she was slinging judgement and fear on me to the point that I needed a shower when I was done.  I don't even know what I was thinking by telling her, I think I was just excited and was having lunch with her.  We met for lunch in one of my favorite local dives and we came separately so I paid the check and gave her the following analogy: we both came here from similar parts of town, you took main and I took second street.  Does it really matter much how we got here?  I'd like to enjoy the fact that we're both here and instead you're too busy passing judgement on the route i took.  And with that, I got up and left knowing then more than ever that this is our best path to parenthood and I'm totally at peace with this.

Embryo adoption???

We had an appointment with our RE to discuss what's next since this clearly isn't working.  Before going in I spent a little while on the Internet looking for options to ask about and came across something called embryo adoption.  I've done just a tiny bit of Internet research on this, enough to know it could be a plausible option for us.
After talking for a little while about why IUI didn't seem to be working our RE started talking about IVF.  I asked out my probably egg quality issue and he was pretty blunt.  My odds of IVF working were probably somewhere between 10 & 20 percent.  That really doesn't seem to be high enough to justify the expense.  I asked him about embryo adoption and he was instantly supportive of the idea.  They don't keep an embryo bank at their practice but would do everything from pre and post transplant monitoring to even doing the transfer if where we get an embryo from would ship.  He's also willing to talk to the bank/agency doing the match to review egg quality so he can approve them.  I feel like this is our next step if we keep going.
I say if we keep going because my husband didn't ask a single question while we were there.  I talked to him a little on the way out (we drove separately) and couldn't get an answer from him on his thoughts.  I don't know if he's still processing or he's trying to find a gentle way to tell me he's not feeling this option.  I guess we'll talk more tonight.
In the mean time I left work early to pray on this a little (and spend some time on the Internet).

Crying at the movies

I'm not a super emotional (outwardly) girl, well, unless I'm hopped up on fertility drugs but that's another story.  But that didn't stop me from crying my way thru The Odd Life of Timothy Green this weekend.  Hubby picked the movie (not sure what he was thinking) and I spent most of it, especially the end, trying to hide the fact that I was sitting there losing my shit while he enjoyed the movie.
The good thing about seeing a movie you can relate to is you feel less alone.  The bad thing is it brings it all front and center.  I spent the movie coming to terms with the idea that maybe our family won't be completed by me but a kind, giving person who honors us with the task of raising their child as our own.
So, if you're struggling with completing your family you may want to wait on seeing this till it comes out of video, or bring a lot of tissues.

I'll take 'people who aren't pregnant' for $2,000 Alex

Well I guess convincing myself we weren't pregnant helped buffer the disappointment because I made it thru the day without having to run in the bathroom and cry at work.  I was able to compartmentalize my feelings and enjoy a nice anniversary dinner with my husband.  We talked about the disappointments (all of them) and what plan 'B' (really plan 'M' but who's counting) is going to be.  This isn't working.  We just had our 5th or 6th iui and that was after countless tries at home.  It's been 3 1/2 years. I've given him 3 choices: IVF, adoption, or giving up.   I presented them pretty equally with all their pros and cons, I asked him to spend a couple days thinking about it.  We'll talk after he marinates on it a couple days.
In the mean time I'm going to enjoy a much deserved cocktail, because I can.

9 days and counting

I'm 9dpiui today and am trying to make it till Thusday to test, it's 12dpiui and our wedding anniversary.  It's been three and a half years we've been doing this and between home and the doctor we've probably had 20 two week waits.  I feel like this is something we do every once and a while to waste some money and I have no expectation it will turn out any differently than any of the others.  I don't know if it's my brains way of preparing my heart for another painful disappointment but I'm already assuming we're gonna get another bfn.  Maybe thats pessimistic but if history is any indication....
In the mean time I get to contend with all the bfp symptoms that come with the trigger and progesterone, lucky me.

Baby making on the down low

Ive got a secret. The only person we've told is my sister because of a logistical issue but we're trying again. I have a baseline ultrasound in the morning and meds start on Sunday. If all goes well I'll be able to tell my husband we're pregnant on our anniversary. We've always been very open about what we're doing and when but it adds a lot of unnecessary pressure to an already stressful situation and that's easily avoidable. So this time we are keeping it to ourselves. I feel bad not being completely honest with people but this try is already pretty stressful. This is probably our last iui. After this try we will have exhausted both our pre-tax money and our meds. If its meant to be this will be all we need. If not, we'll move on to either adoption or ivf. But for now I'm going to keep myself in a positive place and turn it over to fate.

Proof

I read an article yesterday about a three year old boy who was murdered by his father for wetting his pants. This is another painful example of proof that God has nothing to do with making babies. I believe in God, He's a big part of how I choose to live my life but there are two places where God doesn't apply: politics and who gets to be a parent. If God was involved in making babies He wouldn't have peaked a women's fertility at 16. Rapists and child molesters would be infertile (and impotent). Women with addictions wouldn't get pregnant. I could give you a million more examples of this proof but you all know what I'm talking about. And this is exactly what I told the last person who told me to 'pray on it' after learning about our fertility struggle.