Fetal Doppler keeping me sane

So we're about to head into week 12 which is when our baby died last time.  It's been extremely nerve wracking, I spend a lot of time praying this pregnancy goes differently.  I went back and forth on renting a fetal Doppler but ultimately decided if our 11 week appointment went well I'd go ahead and order it.  I LOVE this machine.  I've been able to find the heartbeat every time I've tried.  Once it took a little while but I stopped for a few minutes, went to the bathroom and the heartbeat showed up exactly where I set the probe down when I started again.  Now I know if we lose the heartbeat there's nothing that can be done but not having to constantly wonder if s/he is still alive is amazing.  I record it on my phone for 15 seconds and count it to make sure the heart rate is good and it's consistently around 160 which is perfect.
I'm trying to find a balance between getting my hopes up and constantly being pessimistic.  I haven't found that sweet spot yet but every day I try.  Some days I think about how much different this pregnancy, no major bleed/ loss of twin at the beginning, no spotting, how active the baby is in all the scans, etc.  some days I think about how this is my fourth pregnancy and all I know is failure so I should assume this one will end up like all the same.  Cautious optimism is hard.
The scary thing is I don't have any doctors appointments this week.  I've been released from my RE, had my initial appointment with my ob last week, she referred me to the high risk guy and tried to get me in this week but he's out of town.  So, I'll see him at 13w2d (last pregnancy it was at his office on 13w1d we found out the baby had died).  That's gonna be a stressful day.
In the mean time I'm going to enjoy that a little of my energy seems to have come back and sit hear and listen to the sweet sound of this little ones heartbeat.

So far so good

Today's appointment went great, s/he was doing cartwheels in here which was fun to watch.  I didn't get to see much of any movement during our last pregnancy so this was fascinating.  Dh couldn't go so he's pretty bummed he missed it but i fell in love all over again with our little 10w1d miracle.

I meet with my ob next week and probably the high risk guy a week or two after that.  In the mean time I think I'm gonna rent a hospital grade fetal heart rate monitor for in between appointments to help ease some of my worry.

Nerves

Tomorrow morning I get another look at our little one.  It's been two weeks.  Two weeks of rushing off to the bathroom several times a day to check for blood, analyzing symptoms and worrying when I don't feel both exhausted and nauseous.  On top of this I've been switched from PIO to crinone.  Apparently it's easier to monitor my progesterone levels better with crinone because it doesn't go in your bloodstream like PIO.  What they don't tell you is that it's gross.  I've done vaginal suppositories before but none of them have left behind what they call 'white globules' but really is something best described as cottage cheese.  Hubby is no longer asking when we're cleared for sex, poor guy doesn't want any part of this situation and I can't blame him.  I've never felt less sexy in my life.

I want more than anything for this to be worth it, for this to be the pregnancy that ends in a delivery room with a baby in my arms.  What I've learned from all this is that if its not, if this has the same sad tragic ending as other pregnancies, then God has other plans for us.  I can't put myself and my husband thru this again.

We are praying that tomorrow shows a healthy strong baby, if it does my sweet husband has agreed to rent a hospital grade fetal monitor so I can check for a heartbeat in between appointments.  Until then I'm going to think positive and pray that this is our take-home baby.

If any of y'all want to pray with me I'd appreciate it.