Fetal Doppler keeping me sane

So we're about to head into week 12 which is when our baby died last time.  It's been extremely nerve wracking, I spend a lot of time praying this pregnancy goes differently.  I went back and forth on renting a fetal Doppler but ultimately decided if our 11 week appointment went well I'd go ahead and order it.  I LOVE this machine.  I've been able to find the heartbeat every time I've tried.  Once it took a little while but I stopped for a few minutes, went to the bathroom and the heartbeat showed up exactly where I set the probe down when I started again.  Now I know if we lose the heartbeat there's nothing that can be done but not having to constantly wonder if s/he is still alive is amazing.  I record it on my phone for 15 seconds and count it to make sure the heart rate is good and it's consistently around 160 which is perfect.
I'm trying to find a balance between getting my hopes up and constantly being pessimistic.  I haven't found that sweet spot yet but every day I try.  Some days I think about how much different this pregnancy, no major bleed/ loss of twin at the beginning, no spotting, how active the baby is in all the scans, etc.  some days I think about how this is my fourth pregnancy and all I know is failure so I should assume this one will end up like all the same.  Cautious optimism is hard.
The scary thing is I don't have any doctors appointments this week.  I've been released from my RE, had my initial appointment with my ob last week, she referred me to the high risk guy and tried to get me in this week but he's out of town.  So, I'll see him at 13w2d (last pregnancy it was at his office on 13w1d we found out the baby had died).  That's gonna be a stressful day.
In the mean time I'm going to enjoy that a little of my energy seems to have come back and sit hear and listen to the sweet sound of this little ones heartbeat.

So far so good

Today's appointment went great, s/he was doing cartwheels in here which was fun to watch.  I didn't get to see much of any movement during our last pregnancy so this was fascinating.  Dh couldn't go so he's pretty bummed he missed it but i fell in love all over again with our little 10w1d miracle.

I meet with my ob next week and probably the high risk guy a week or two after that.  In the mean time I think I'm gonna rent a hospital grade fetal heart rate monitor for in between appointments to help ease some of my worry.

Nerves

Tomorrow morning I get another look at our little one.  It's been two weeks.  Two weeks of rushing off to the bathroom several times a day to check for blood, analyzing symptoms and worrying when I don't feel both exhausted and nauseous.  On top of this I've been switched from PIO to crinone.  Apparently it's easier to monitor my progesterone levels better with crinone because it doesn't go in your bloodstream like PIO.  What they don't tell you is that it's gross.  I've done vaginal suppositories before but none of them have left behind what they call 'white globules' but really is something best described as cottage cheese.  Hubby is no longer asking when we're cleared for sex, poor guy doesn't want any part of this situation and I can't blame him.  I've never felt less sexy in my life.

I want more than anything for this to be worth it, for this to be the pregnancy that ends in a delivery room with a baby in my arms.  What I've learned from all this is that if its not, if this has the same sad tragic ending as other pregnancies, then God has other plans for us.  I can't put myself and my husband thru this again.

We are praying that tomorrow shows a healthy strong baby, if it does my sweet husband has agreed to rent a hospital grade fetal monitor so I can check for a heartbeat in between appointments.  Until then I'm going to think positive and pray that this is our take-home baby.

If any of y'all want to pray with me I'd appreciate it.

Sorry cat

Last pregnancy I had this amusing (now) experience involving getting sick on the way to work which resulted in being breathalyzed on the side of the road like a common drunk.  I think this time I've outdone myself.  I've been naseaus pretty much constantly lately but not really throwing up.  I thought I'd miss that particular joy this time around.
Every time I get pregnant my cat seems to sense it and starts spending a lot of time perched on my belly like a chicken tending her eggs.  She's not the cuddliest cat so I think it's sweet and enjoy these moments.  Today I came home from work exhausted and naseaus and, as usual, she climbed up on my lap for some bonding time with the baby.  Before I knew what was going on I got sick, all over myself, and all over my poor cat.
You know what you don't want to deal with right after throwing up?  A cat that is running around like a maniac with vomit dripping off it all over the house.  Then you have to immerse said cat (who isn't declawed) in the sink and pray she doesn't maul you to death while you hose off the remaining mess.  After that you get to clean up what she's strewn thruout the house before you can get in the shower because otherwise she'll track it all over the house while your in the shower.
So, we're both a little traumatized.  As she sits across the room still wet glaring at me I wonder if she'll ever make her way back onto my lap to bond with the baby again.  Hopefully I'll be able to laugh about this soon.  My husband missed it but I'm pretty sure he nearly wet himself laughing at my experience when I filled him in, he's still sitting on the other end of the couch giggling.

And we have ourselves a blueberry

Finally, after a wait that seemed like an eternity, we had our ultrasound this morning.  Our pregnancy has been uneventful thus far (except me running to the bathroom every 5 minutes to check for blood).  We've been trying to take this day-by-day and not get our hopes up but I go back and forth between convincing myself this is going to end like all the others and picturing our drive home from the hospital with a baby in the backseat.
What we found today was one healthy baby measuring right on target (I'm 6w6d and the baby measured 6w5d) with a heartbeat in the 130's.  we reviewed everything with our RE and after a little nudging from me (and our ultrasound tech) he's agreed to let me come back in next week for another scan.
We are cautiously optimistic and are simply focused on taking it week by week, but today was a good day.

California success

Sorry I've been MIA lately but I went to California before my transfer to visit a friend who  actually came with me for the transfer because hubby couldn't make it this time.  The transfer went great, we transferred two 5 day embryos, one 8 cell expanding and one 9 cell expanded, they did assisted hatching on the 8 cell. I flew home the same day and threw myself into work hoping to avoid obsessing about what was or wasn't going on in here.  By Saturday I broke down and got a positive.  I had betas Monday and today (Wednesday).  The first one (8dp5dt) came back at 173 (wow!) and the second one (10dp5dt) is 431 (super wow!).   This gives me a 36 hour doubling time which is great.
In a couple weeks I get an ultrasound and we find out how many babies are in there.
The theme of this pregnancy is cautious optimism.

And we wait

After a fun vacation in San Francisco with a friend I finally had my embryo transfer.  Last Sunday we transferred two grade 2 embryos, one 8-cell expanding blast that the embryologist did assisted hatching one and one 9-cell expanded blast.  Hubby couldn't be there which was a little sad but I have a great group of friends and the one who lives in the area came with me.  Today is 3 days past transfer, I'm trying to make it to Saturday before testing which is 6dpt, we'll see, I'm already starting to cave....  We've had so much failure and loss it's hard to believe its ever going to turn out differently.  I belong to an online group of women all using this clinic and our group is full of stories of fertility failure but once they find this clinic their dreams come true.  I'm hoping and praying this is our turn.