Terrified joy

We're all familiar with the expression 'nervous excitement' but what I got going on these days can't be minimized that way.  The thought of having a baby in my arms by this time next year fills me with joy but the thought of setting myself up for the same heartbreak we're still crawling out of right now is where the fear sets in.  We've been thru so much and have wanted this for so long that sometimes the doubt that we'll ever have our take home baby crawls out from the dark places in my head.  It fills me with a near paralyzing fear.  I try to stay focused on the goal and let myself fantasize about the delivery room, the nursery I'll decorate, that first time our sweet baby gets put in my arms and it pushes down that fear but it's only temporary.  Over a decade ago my sister delivered prematurity with devastating results.  When i got pregnant with my son the following year I thought 'our family has had our tragedy I'll be fine' only to suffer the same fate.  When hubby and I first started to ttc we got the news that his son from his first marriage died while serving our country.  Then we struggle for over 4  years to finally get pregnant only to lose the baby at 13 weeks.  As much as I want to believe that life can't be that cruel and this has to be our time I could have said that at any point in this journey and been justified.  All we know is loss.
So yes, I'm so excited that this could be our chance I'm simultaneously terrified I'm setting my sweet husband and I up for more heartbreak.

Here we go again

If we're being honest I was hoping that at the end of the month when matches are usually sent out by our clinic we'd receive a new match.  I know there's no guarantee and sometimes it can take a couple months but a match this month means meds next month and transfer in July.  This means we could be pregnant again by the time our due date from the last pregnancy rolls around at the end of August.  Emotionally I think this might cushion the blow of that day a little.  I know we can't replace our baby, nothing's going to do that but maybe new hope will take the edge off the sadness.  So, I was expecting to be stalking my email next week waiting for that magic email from the program coordinator,  what I wasn't expecting was to get that amazing email while sitting in 5 Guys with some coworkers at lunch today.
The profiles are wonderful and hubbies on board so come tomorrow I'll be sending in our acceptance form and start googling potential due dates for all the possible transfer dates in our calendar.
With hope we are moving forward.