Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Wanted: Black Sperm Donors

DH and I long ago came to terms with the odd reality that there just aren't that many black men who are sperm donors.  Now, since we refuse to go back to Manhattan Cryobank and our preferred donor has yet to come back to our original bank we are back to square one.  There are maybe 50 active black sperm donors in the US right now.  I just quickly went thru the 12 largest banks, which probably covered 1,000 active donors and found 26 black donors.  There have to be hundreds of women needing sperm from black donors and we are all having to choose from this small pool.  I don't get it. It's frustrating and makes what is already a difficult process even more complicated.  Most of these banks I mentioned above are so over priced they aren't realistic options for us right now.
As for Manhattan Cryobank, I sent them an email asking for copies of all the paperwork and feedback on when I was informed of this 30% variation they allow for.  Several days later I got the paperwork but nothing about the variation.  I don't get it.  We specifically asked what count they guarantee.  That was the perfect opportunity for them to inform us of this policy.  Instead they failed to do this but held our sample to it after the fact.  It is my opinion that had the vial had a lower count they probably would have said they had a policy to allow for 35% variance.  Needless to say, these aren't the kind of people I want to do business with nor are they the kind of people I trust to receive biological materials from.  Since 6 of the donors I referred to above are from this bank we're now down to 20.  I guess it makes our decision easier - silver lining.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

The rare great day & other stuff

Yesterday was one of those days where everything just falls into place.  I woke up early enough to eat breakfast and watch more than the weather.  I got to work early with a hot cup of Starbucks that DH stopped for on the way to drop me off.  My morning meetings went well.  I spent the whole afternoon at a job site with some clients who can be a bit picky.  I had purchased a load of accessories for their new offices fully expecting to have to return a solid third of them because they wanted a different option and I didn't have to send a single one back.  I even took over two pieces of art on loan from a local artist thinking they might like one of them and instead they bought them both which will mean a nice little commission for the baby fund.  Exhausted, I got home just before 7 to find that DH had gone to my favorite greasy Chinese restaurant for takeout.  I got to curl up on the couch in front of the enormous new TV and watch the second to last Oprah, thinking the whole time, that audience is have the time of their lives.  I checked the Babycenter community chatboard for Midwest Sperm Bank users to find out they are reopening.  What a great day.

When Midwest closed for 'reorganization' I never thought I'd go back.  The way they handled that was completely inappropriate and, in my opinion, not completely legal.  I thought, no way will I deal with that mess again.  Then I paid 3 times as much for poor quality sperm from Manhattan Cryobank and watched them weasel their way out of honoring their refund/guarantee.  There are so few black sperm donors and a few of the banks out there that have them are priced so high we'd never be able to afford it so unfortunately we have to put up with some mess for a quality sample we can afford.

So far our donor has not come back to Midwest, so, we may not be able to go back but I feel so happy for the women who already had a child from there and wanted the opportunity to have a full-bio sibling.  All along our donor has simply wanted to help people so we're hoping that he'll come back but even if he doesn't I'm not going back to Manhattan Cryobank unless they honor their quality guarantee for the last vial.  I sent an email to them today asking them to send me copies of all the paperwork that they sent to the doctor's office with the vial as well as the form they faxed to the doctor after to fill out about the low counts. I also asked them to show me where, in the paperwork we filled out or on their website, they explain that they only offer a refund/replacement if the count is under 7 million (to allow for 30% variance).  So far, I haven't heard back but I'm not letting this go yet.

I'm praying yesterday was a sign that things are going to start to turn around for us.  We are due for some good.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Manhattan Cryobank

I finally heard back from Manhattan Cryobank and they are not honoring their refund policy.  They are saying that the low count isn't low enough to qualify for the refund.  They are blaming the prep/count methods of my lab for the low numbers saying the vial wasn't really that low.  I told them that my last donor had counts of 65+ million from the same lab they are saying didn't count the sample correctly but they don't care.
Apparently they guarantee 10 million per IUI vial (20 million per ml but each IUI vial is only about 1/2ml).  He went on to explain that there is a 30% variance per count that depends on the lab tech, the drop they select from the sample and their count method and that they really only offer the refund/replacement vial if the counts are below 7 million (to allow for the 30% variance).  Funny, nobody ever bothered to tell us that when we asked specifically what counts they guarantee.
After a lot of back and forth I finally said 'so basically you aren't going to offer any refund/replacement for this vial' and he said no, that it is their opinion that the vial met their guarantee.
I have no idea what we are going to do now.  I feel completely taken advantage of.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

A Cleansing Breath

DH and I are taking some time off to recuperate and it's been lovely.  Our lives aren't revolving around my ovulatory cycle.  We haven't once talked about boob tenderness, shots, vaginal ultrasounds or estrogen levels, I forgot what it was like to ignore my body and I'm loving it.  I can tell my body is about to ovulate and for about a minute I got a little panic stricken thinking 'maybe this was the perfect egg for our baby' but pretty quickly realized that's just my biological clock screaming at me.  Luckily, that stupid clock is pretty hard to hear after a good dirty martini.
We bought a TV last weekend which made DH happy.  We are the proud owners of a 46" LED TV.  Every time I walk into the living room I say 'that's a big assed tv'.  DH just laughs and smiles.  Needless to say, he's barely left the couch this week.
We've also been talking about getting a dog.  Because we live in a condo there is a weight limit to what we can get.  I LOVE big dogs.  My dream dog is a Great Dane or Saint Bernard but that's not an option right now.  Instead, I'm thinking about a bulldog.  My only concern is finding one that isn't a drooler.  I couldn't handle that, neither could my wall-to-wall carpet.  We obviously have a lot of love to give and I think a dog may be the perfect addition to our family.
Manhattan Cryobank still hasn't resolved our low count vial.  It's been over two weeks now.  I called to check in on them last Friday (two weeks after the first call) and tried to find out what was going on.  The woman who answered try to tell me what the typical process is for this and didn't respond well when I interrupted her to tell her that was explained to me when I called two weeks ago, I was calling to find out what was going on with my situation.  She seemed put out and told me she'd have to pull my chart and send me an email.  I didn't get that email until Monday and apparently they haven't gotten their form faxed back from my doctor's office yet.  It's so weird to me that the this process has been so aggravating, they were so helpful and went out of their way to make sure I had what I needed when we were setting up the delivery.  I wasn't expecting this to be such a hassle.  I don't know why this surprises me, everything else about this TTC journey has been a hassle.
For now I'm going to enjoy my non-ttc life, relax and take a few cleansing breaths.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Life's Not Fair

As expected this wasn't our month.  The really cruel part is that AF decided to show up as my Mother's Day gift.  Every time I think about it I start to cry so I'm just pushing it out of my mind.  I had so many close friends call or text little notes to me on Sunday to point out that even though my son is in heaven I'm still a mom and to try to have a good day but it was rough.  I wasn't expecting this month to work but there was a little voice in the back of my head that kept saying 'how many times have you heard about the worst possible circumstances being the month that worked for other ladies'.  I tested on 12dpo and got a bfn but told myself to wait it out, and if AF didn't show up by 16dpo I was gonna test again.  Well, Sunday was 15dpo and I was crushed.
A little over a week ago I called Manhattan Cryobank and told them our donor's counts were super low.  I was told they have to send a form to our doctor's office to find out how the sample was prepped and verify everything was done accurately and that they'd be in touch.  I haven't heard from them since.  My parents were in town the end of last week thru Monday so I haven't had a chance to call them back and find out what's taking so long.  I won't have a chance till probably Friday, which will be two weeks from the first call, because I can't exactly make this call from my desk.  It's really irritating that they aren't reaching out to me.  We spent over $500 on that sample plus all the other expenses (almost $750) we had based on a guarantee of 20 million motile sperm.  You would think all that money would get us better customer service.

DH and I had a long talk and it turns out what is stressing him out about this process is the financial aspect of it.  We've put a lot of our needs on hold to pay for this.  We share one car, rent instead of own, put our student loans in forebarence (sp?) and have been putting off some much needed replacements in our house (the TV is going out in the living room, our vacuum cleaner is on it's last leg, my keurig died, etc).  Every extra penny we have goes towards having a baby and we've been living like this for two and a half years.  He's exhausted and wants a little breathing room.  What I misread as him hinting at giving up was really him hinting at taking a month or two off to catch our breath.  So, the compromise is we put $1,000 into savings for non-babymaking expenses, replace a couple appliances, put $1,000 into our student loans and then start up again.  Luckily I've negotiated myself back to my full-time salary at work (we've all had a 20% paycut but I've brought in a lot of work lately) and I've picked up a couple of freelance design jobs on my own lately so it's possible we may just take this cycle, maybe one more off and then be back at it.
The other news is that I told my mom what we're doing.  Up until now nobody in my family except a cousin I'm really close to knew about all this.  DH had requested we keep it quiet until we got pregnant and possibly even thru the first trimester.  My family is a little boundary-challenged and he didn't want all the pressure that comes with them knowing about all this.  Now, years later his bigger concern was them thinking we aren't handling our finances well or he isn't providing for me so he asked me to tell them.  I told my mom and broke down crying when I told her about it.  She was really great.  My mom's a little unpredictable about stuff like this but she handled it like a champ.  All she was worried about was saying the wrong thing because she doesn't know what this is like (oh, and upon finding out we were having procedures done with a specialist she requested we not get pregnant with 6 kids....sure thing mom).
This whole process is so stressful, I feel like the obstacles go out of their way to find us.  It's like we're fighting the universe but we're not giving up.  We want a family and we'll do what it takes to make that happen.